Tough....

This is one peculiar problem that me, and a few of my other married friends are facing day in and day out, in our professional lives. Well, in this post, I am talking about a close friend Z. We were initially colleagues in our hometown for about 2 years, and soon clicked so well that we started sharing our personal spaces as well. Her marriage and my husband’s relocation took us to different cities, far apart, but we still managed to bind ourselves over the cell phones ( aah! Cell phones- the reason to connect, connect to reason). And it so turned out that 5 months post her marriage, she got a job in my office, and she relocated to this City Beautiful, while her husband decided to continue his job back there till he found a new one here.

Now, that she’s putting up on her own, with another close friend, she is often asked what brought her here, if it wasn’t for her husband. Indirectly, people sometimes even go to the extent of asking me if she’s divorced, ‘Know what, someone was telling me that your friend Z is a divorcee, you know her, na, is she really??”. And at such questions, I feel like tearing the guy/girl apart, a dozen local desi GAALIS escape my tongue, and I actually feel the itch in my hand to hit, slap or harm him/her in some way.

But what do I do?? I exclaim, sometimes, exaggerate the exclaim so much, that exclaim exclaims, and turning my big eyes even bigger, I generally retort in these lines: “What the f***? Who the hell told you this crap? She’s happily married, HAPPILY MARRIED, and that’s it….And why cant you guys just Goddamn work???It would do you and this sucking company some good….blah blah blah,…”, till the poor fellow vows never to ask me about anyone again.

No I am not against people asking me things, but what I fail to understand how do people conclude that some one is not doing well in her marriage, or she’s probably divorced, or having an extra martial affair here, or…well all negative and depressing things.

Ok, one might say, since she’s putting up on her own, so she’s facing this. Or one may even exclaim. “why’s she here?”. No sir, the reason is not her career, it’s her responsibility to support her family, and being the eldest of two daughters, she wants to support her family financially. She understands that her husband alone cannot provide for both the families, and she couldn’t find a job in the suburb town her husband’s based. So, does this mean that she doesn’t love her husband? Or her husband is incompetent? Honestly, how many of us can support two families, with one partner working? Of course, unless, you are doing exceptionally well in your trade, and your company is giving you hikes the way stones are scattered on the streets, or else you belong to the rich upper class doing-very-well-business-class-family.

Or maybe, she should retire to her life, her own life being a wife, doting bahu, et al, and leave her parents to survive on their own. Why, she sure can reason it: She’s a Daughter. At times, when she is highly frustrated, depressed, and low, I feel I just can’t help her anyway. She’s tired of being alone on deep, scary nights, she misses the warmth of her husband pressing against her torn skin, she reasons her decision, and weighs it every day.

But, she knows, what she’s doing. And I love her for the same. I can’t tell this to everyone who looks at her with suspicion, but, sometimes, I also feel like asking them, is being divorced such a stigma that people have to whisper in ears spreading the dreaded word?

So many questions run through my mind. It’s so difficult to be a woman, and work. And then it gets worse when you are married, and still pursuing your career. And the situation is blown out of proportions, when you are based away from your husband. And, I somehow am made to believe, all those women who have achieved highly in this world, must have done so paying a high price- price in terms of emotions, feelings, love , trust, and even, perhaps, marriage.

How much may one talk about women liberation, independent women, career oriented women, women in all fields, and blah blah blah…but trust me, women are still seen as women, someone who if shows a little flesh is ‘chalu’, who if wears makeup is ‘fashionable’, someone who is seen as a “pataofiable stuff” if she talks to everyone, and someone who is divorced if her husband isn’t there to pick and drop everyday.

Will things ever get better?

....

The way it is,

The way it never was,

The way it will never be again,

So cherish each moment, live to the fullest, and do not judge anyone on today,

For tomorrow holds a new situation,

Brings in a new perspective,

A new horizon,

A new vision,

Reducing today to

Yesterday


....

On My Way.......

The days are passing by,
Without a thought, without a dream,
The times seem to stop,
Leaving me unseen.

I am bare, and hollow,
Words are deceiving, feelings wane,
I can’t think, can’t procure,
Half empty, half insane.

I am looked upon as a corpse,
Taken as dead,
On my way, however,
Day by day I tread…..
Day by day I tread……

Perhaps.......

I had called her up the other day.
She probably was busy somewhere else so there was the ‘no answer’ message announced by the IVR.
But I had my doubts: was she intentionally not taking my call??

We’d not been talking much off late, or maybe we weren’t talking at all. We are both married now, she married a year and a half later than me, and once she tied the knot, it seemed all other knots she’d tied years before were breaking loose.

I chose not to agree.

Why, I’d married earlier than her, and we used to catch up often, at places which we always thought of having coffees once we started earning ; discussing fashion, jewelry , matrimony, relationships, and let loose our deepest fears and thoughts. We spoke of our feelings, without any qualms of being judged. We confided in each other without hesitation. We knew each other so well that we’d instantly know what is going on behind the skin deep smile. Smiles. We could conclude a situation just by studying the other’s smile for a few seconds. We knew which lines on the face got prominent enough when inside there were thoughts concerning love, fear anxiety, irritation, boys, study, family issues, or just plain fun. We knew the different shades, the unpredictable moods, the hidden desires, and the much-hyped tensions. We could talk endlessly for hours, we could bitch, we never felt the need to ‘ask’ the stereotype ‘wats up??’ question. We ‘were’ in those times, ‘the Bestest Friends.’


Aaah!! Lovely times.

But, it sure hurts when I type ‘were’ instead of ‘are’.

Perhaps, I couldn’t hold on to this because of new responsibilities.
Perhaps, I’d been replaced by people who were more easily and more readily available than me.
Perhaps, she’d found a better friend than me in her husband.
Perhaps, things and relationships change after new people enter our lives.
Perhaps a few minutes a week seem impossible to be spared.
Perhaps, I shouldn’t have waited so long for her, instead should have taken the initiative to start it all over again.

All Over Again.

Sounds nice.
But, how do we inculcate the same old feelings, the trusts, the times, and even ‘us’?

Perhaps, its time to realize:
All Is Over.

Perhaps……

I miss you Moti, and I am not even sure if you will read this,,,,,but I know if you will, I will have a call landing on my number.

...

She knew that things had gone sour between them.
She knew she had reached a break-even point now.
She knew she couldn’t hang onto this relation, this marriage, this man any longer.

She knew, and she well understood this all.

As she decided to pack her bags with the bare minimum of daily necessities, she felt her eyes getting moist. She quickly rubbed her eyes with her hands, something she disliked a lot; even though not even a single tear had left her eyes. She wasn’t going to feel weak this time. No Sir!


She flung all her clothes on the bed, in order to choose what-to-take-and-what- to-leave-behind. Behind. Yes, she would be leaving behind everything concerning her past. Atleast, she thought so.

It was then her sight caught the Pink Sari, it was ‘the’ pink sari because she wore it on her engagement. And, who, other than him, could have gifted her a mystic sequel worked beauty she’d always wanted?

He knew she loved pinks.
And he bought pinks in all forms, shapes, & sizes often.

Again, the moist eyes, the rubbing of eyes, and the insistence of being strong.

Then she had her hands on the white beaded necklace. They had their first pre-martial kiss with this necklace in her neck. Aah! Bliss.
The old cards, with sweet nothings written, the stupid one liners, the shayari, and yes the cute teddy bear.

Something in her made her smile. And all smilingly she put back all her belongings in her closet, rearranging each and every piece of her treasured memories.

The phone rang.

‘Hello?’
‘Honey, I am sorry for the morning…you know I love you…I know I kinda crossed a few limits today, but you know I didn’t mean a word…You know…’

He went on & on.

She cried and never cared to wipe.

as if...

Well, it’s close to 2 months since I have joined this place. And, trust me; it is somehow, bit by bit, getting better. Or maybe, I have changed my perception. And, probably, lowered my expectations to bottom levels from unknown people. I have had lunches sitting alone in secluded corners, in an otherwise jam packed canteen, I have come to terms with my Boss not really taking interest in my work, or my potential, I have concluded that since I am better than the lot around me, so people do not really want to talk to me. I have taken into account the fact that being an outsider without many local contacts also labels me with the ‘alien species’ tag.

So, I’d decided to continue this for as long as a new job doesn’t fall into my lap. No, not as if it’s raining jobs, all that so during recession, when half of the country’s growth has crashed due to kharif’s failure and another half is dependent on rabi. Or maybe, it’s vice versa. I mean, I have got contacts, within the industry, and I happen to know big people who would (at least I perceive) be more than willing to hire me since they have been associated with me professionally in the past, and probably can help me realize my potential to the fullest. (Am I talking too much about potential??!!)

In the mean time, I happened to speak to a colleague of mine, about a little something, and he (out of the blue) turned out to be this polite, nice, and friendly sort of a guy, mind you, these three qualities were like non existent in the world of this new company. Initially, when he greeted me, or generally got into a conversation with me, I used to be somewhat cynical, as whether he has some selfish interests with something concerning me? He’d been kind to ask me for lunch with his pals a few times, sometimes he would ask me if I’d wanted to grab a coffee between schedules, and meanwhile, I’d concluded that he is a genuine person, someone who I could talk to, bitch about colleagues and our bosses, (believe me, he started it all), and laugh away the daily work tensions.

Another good thing: one of my ex colleague and a great friend also joined in another department!!

So now I had company for lunch, there were a few people who smiled at me, another few who liked my work and yet a big lot who took me as superfluous, undesirable competition. A few eyebrows go up when I go past them, a few whispers fade away when I smile at the whisperers, a few rumors are dying away, and others are taking shape.

My bosses sometimes are happy with my work, sometimes discard the most innovative ideas, they like to be nodded every time they open their mouth, and take pleasure in telling me that I am somehow lacking the ‘spark’. If only they knew that the day I shall open my mouth, they’ll be surrounded by fires.

I know, I know, it’s the corporate world after all!! And I have understood a little. I am in a big city, surrounded by big people, with big apprehensions, big egos, and even bigger insecurities. Each and every new thing in the vicinity is taken as a threat to their existence. Their comfort zones get disturbed, and they like to stick to their regular people. They view outsiders as ‘aliens’ and they make every possible attempt to frustrate ‘aliens’ so much so that the ‘alien’ himself feels so much ‘aliened’ that he ends up leaving the job.

I remember one of my ex-bosses telling me once: ‘Be a shark, this is a world of sharks; big sharks are always eating the small ones….’ And as if being a shark was not enough, he added: ‘…with sharp teeth…’

So life, since a last few days, seems to be somewhat back on track.

A new job, and...

25th of June 2009.

My first day at a new job, in a new city.

I entered the office some 10 minutes before time; my preference has always been to be before time, in all the 4 years that I have been working. I stole a quick glance at the big three buildings that made up the premises of my new workplace. It sure was huge, and since I come from a small town Shimla, it had me somehow fascinated.

As I drew closer to the reception gate, I got somewhat nervous; I belong to the slightly introvert family of people, I don’t really like to mingle with people first and then realize that they are not “My Types”, and consequently get to thinking of ways to avoid them. I take my own sweet time, observe people around me, and then choose the best possible option(s) amongst the lot. This leaves me alone, secluded and isolated in new places for some good period of time. Though I have told myself many times that it will not harm me in anyway to be friends with everyone, something in me, however, always pulls me back.

As such, I greeted the young girl at the reception, and told her that it was my joining today. She flashed me a smile, which was dry in some way, and told me to go to the HR department on the second floor. ‘Please don’t enter any cabins other than HR’, she said in a warning tone.
Warned me. Gosh!

As I climbed up the stairs, I realized that the stairs ended on the first floor, and then there were three huge sections of halls. I looked towards my right, and then left, and straight, and somehow figured I should go straight. I did, only to find out that amongst a hundred odd people sitting there nobody would really bother if I am unable to find someone I need to meet in an office. I asked altogether 3 of my prospective colleagues, who, without lifting either their eyes off the monitor or their hands off the keyboards told me ‘HR is on the second floor’.
Aww. As if I didn’t know this.

‘What I am asking is the way’, I retorted to one of them.

‘Second floor Ma’am.’

I then decided to go back to the reception and called up the HR Head, and told him that I am unable to find the way to his cabin, and that if he could send an office boy to take me through to him, it would be great help.

So, finally I had a blue shirt dressed office boy escorting me to the HR.

And, at last I found myself filling in the joining docket. There were no Hi’s or Hello’s, no one even bothered that a new joinee has come, and I struggled all alone through the confusing clauses of the docket.
I knew now that nobody is welcome here.

Nobody is bothered.

This was one situation of awkwardness I had never found myself in. Prior to this job, I have worked with 2 MNCs, same industry. I wouldn’t say I was all that welcome, owing to a little out-of-place face, but yes, people greeted a new comer warmly, and at least were happy to help with routine works, and general inquisitive questions. I cannot remember a single incident where I might have seen a new joinee so uncomfortable with things happening around him, as I was. I looked at almost everyone sitting on the floor, hoping that at least one person would show a little concern, without any success.
Now, after some two hours, the HR head, along with an assistant, congratulated me on joining, and told the assistant to show me around and finally lead me to the AVP’s cabin whom I were to report. He led me, at his own pace, without giving me much time even to look around. Anyways, after a small introduction, my Boss started showing the launch status, the preliminary planning details, and the innumerable presentations. Now that it was Lunch Time, though I presume he must have been hungry so as to declare that ‘since its time for lunch, you must have it’ kind of thing.

Somehow, actually somehow, I managed to control my irritability over all the things, stupid and unnecessary around me. I knew that once I blow off the lid, I’d not be stopped easily, and I didn’t want to create a scene on the first day at work. I was told to ‘spend time’ with a counterpart handling the same profile on another product, so as to make myself aware of the processes and businesses here. Now, (this is not out of pure frustration), this colleague of mine, had an irritating touch to his tone, voice, looks, in addition to his irritating behavior, and asking lengthy questions was another thing that he had to his credit. I was pissed off, for obvious reasons, and it seemed like as if this was another interview round in this ‘esteemed organization.’ My woes did not end here, as my being an AM in four years was taken in ‘derogatory’ terms with this fellow, since after 8 years of slugging in the same organization he had just been promoted to the same level a week ago. Now, what I wanted to ask this ‘snailish’ fellow was, ‘Is it my fault that you haven’t grown all these years?’. For obvious reasons, I didn’t get to ask.
So, with a lot of reservations, apprehensions, tensions, and suspicions, I passed the rest of the day in utter confusion, with no one, believe me, no one telling me anything about anything, just sitting beside the snailish colleague of mine, watching him doing silly things, and avoiding his silly questions, and trying not to be frustrated, or more aptly, discouraged with the current set of events happening around and with me. Ahh!!
Sharp 6:15 p.m. and already some 50% of the people had packed up for the day. And, since, practically, there was nothing to do, actually nothing to do, i picked up my bag, and out of sheer protocol said Bye to the Snail.
Second day is another story.

Bondings....

He lay on the bed. With needles and pipes coming out and going in at many points in his body, he looked weak, and somewhat in pain. She noticed he’d been staring at her, as she passed his bed, or made tea, or arranged his bed. She wondered why wasn’t he talking today. After all, she was the only one whom he was speaking to since the last few days. He would hold her hand, kiss her fingers, and with tears in his eyes say something she wouldn’t quite understand. But she understood one thing for sure: Her Dad was in great pain.

Last week, when the doctors put him on oxygen cylinders for the first time, she trembled with fear, a degree of apprehension kept her anxious, and she tried to visualize all the heroes-on-oxygen-scenes from the movies. Why, she had just turned 15 a few days ago, when her father gifted her a new dress, though expensive by the current standards. But, then, standards were not like this a few years ago, when her father’s business was doing good, and she was taught that she would get all the good things in her life if she would be a “good” daughter. Somebody called her Mom to another room, and after a few minutes, when all the see-we-are-here-in-your-bad-times relatives went out for a break, she was again alone with her Dad.

He lay peacefully, with his eyes closed. She felt his breath, and smiled to herself. He’d gone real thin, his fingers looked fragile; his face dull, with lines making graphs everywhere. His hairline was receding fast, and his neck showed loose skin. She touched him on his head, arms, hands, and neck. As if to make sure that the touch stays forever. She spent hours like this, sitting by his bed, pouring juice in the glass when he would need it, sometimes talking to him about family, friends who were here, what she learnt at school, and how her algebra problems were growing in numbers since he’d been here. It was the same everyday. Almost everyday.

After 3 days, when he was shifted to another room, she noticed he had not been talking to her much. His subject shifted from her to the family. He often said to her, ‘Darling, all my life I have brought you up as a son; promise me, promise me that if I go to the other world, you would take care of the family. Just as a SON.’

She promised

Another 2 days passed..

On the fateful day, as she held out his medicines to him, before leaving the hospital for the night, he refused to take them. In confusion, she called out for her Mom, who came in with a relative or two. All of them persuaded him to take the medicine, and he let out a huge cry. She dropped the glass of water; he hit her, and yelled at her to leave. She cried aloud. He cried aloud. The Mother cried aloud. And the relatives left the family in the room.

‘Tell her to go’.
‘But…wh..what did I do, Dad’.
‘Nothing. But can’t you leave?’
‘Sure, after you have this dose, I will go, as I have been all this week.’
‘No. Enough.’ Another glass crashed on the floor.
She ran down the stairs. Tears still flowing. Confusion over his behavior still prevailing. She went home and took a bath. She was upset over her father today. She was hurt. The crashing sounds of the glasses were still ringing in her ears. After she’d cried enough, she decided to watch her favorite show, The Tom and Jerry show, at 7 in the evening.


The doorbell rang.

Her mother on the door, alongwith a few other relatives.

Mom? At home? This time?

But she stayed at the hospital with her Dad.

She handed out a small piece of a tissue paper.

‘Darling, I couldn’t go till you were in front of my eyes.
I love you more than words can explain.
When you will grow up, you will understand how difficult it was for me to shout at you.
But it was the call from God.

Keep the promise, my Son.’

Some bondings are difficult to explain.

Light

The night has a thousand eyes,
And the day but one,
Yet the light of the bright world dies,
With the dying sun….

The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one,
Yet the light of the bright world dies,
With the dying sun……


F.N. Bourdillons

On Words and Silence

The title and the idea have been borrowed from Arv; from one his his oldest posts, ofcourse, without his intimation.
(Hope he doesn't mind (;!!)

Her eyes said,
A thousand words,
A feeling called ‘Love’,
Bloomed in their hearts…

He never mentioned his love,
He didn’t say a word,
It turned off a thousand sparks,
Enlightened in her heart…

Gaming in love.....(Second part)

So as was destined, they crossed ways, after three long years, in a shopping mall. She heard a familiar voice, demanding blue color in a stylish shirt. More so, when a couple of voices said that black is definitely suiting him better, and that he has loads of blues in his closet. ‘No, blue and only blue’, she heard. She knew someone in her life had a fetish for blue. Someone she knew long ago. Someone perhaps, was this stranger. She turned back, but all she could see were men in various shapes and sizes. She fished out her credit card and told her sister to settle accounts. She walked up to the Men’s counter, and she heard someone laughing at something.
She froze when she saw someone with a blue shirt in his hands, and a giggle on his face.
Someone she had so well known, so deeply loved.
He dropped the shirt when their eyes met. Eyes, which had conveyed so many untold words to her. His eyes, which shone with her love, sure looked blank for a moment. The world stopped. Heartbeats ceased. And they stared, unblinkingly. Nothing in the world lasts, not even this moment of eternal joy.
‘Hey, wassup?’, someone chirped. And they blinked their eyes.

‘Go for the black one’, she heard herself speak. Wo, was it really she?
The salesman was told to pack the black shirt. His friends stared.
Her mobile buzzed.

‘Yeah, a minute. Get in the car’.

He understood she was with someone. He wondered whether he should ask her for coffee. What if she was with her husband? He sank up and down in the sea of thoughts that seemed to engulf him all of a sudden. Sixty seconds and sixty thousand thoughts. Wow.

‘How come you are here, last I heard that you were in Delhi’.
She knew?
I always knew about you, idiot.
‘Aah, yeah got a business conference here, and I am a member.’
So, he’s doing well.
‘You are still crazy for blue?’
‘Somethings last forever.’
And you, did you change?
Yes, can’t you see that I am carrying a MangalSutra in my neck.
Oh, and till when are you here?
As long as you want me to, no idiot, ‘umm,,a week I guess.’
He was to leave in two days.
She still is the most beaitiful woman on this planet.
She caught on the blue band on you wrist.
'It's worn out now, change it.'
‘Good, can we catch up for coffee?’, she said, pointing to the Barista just opposite the Mall.
Did she just invite him?
They never realized they had reached the parking.
‘Di, get in.’
‘Tomorrow at 5.’
‘See you.’
‘Yeah, bye.’

The black Honda City rode past him. She seemed to be rich now. But he didn’t see the usual twinkle in her eyes, which indicated her happiness. Instead, he saw a deep, dark vacuum. He wondered why did he lie to her about being in town till a week?
Did he still have feelings for her?

After 3 years since she last called him? To end all that was his life? He curled his eyebrows, told his friends that he will catch up with them later. He needed to get back to his hotel.

She cooked the best dinner that night. Her husband was astonished; there was a strange spark in her eyes, an eccentric glow on her face. On his being curious, she just told him it was nothing.

He knew her well enough to conclude there was definitely something. But decided to keep mum. It was after a long time she radiated light like this, he had fallen in love with this radiance; he wanted it to be their forever.

Not surprisingly, they met the following day at the Barista. From pleasantries, the conversations shifted to their lives, lives that were empty. She soon broke into tears; he into silence. She accused him; blamed him for what her life had become. He simply stared at his third cup of coffee. He had no explanations. He never had. He caught himself staring at a big diamond ring shining on her ring finger. She had it.
For rest of the week, they met daily. Their smiles lit up the moment they saw each other. The frequent seeing resulted in rekindling their feelings once again. As if they had elapsed.
By the end of the week, they had concluded that they need to be together. There is, but just one life. They are both earning, they can easily survive even if the families turned against them. The only hassle was her divorce. Divorce, which she was sure her husband wouldn’t agree to. Divorce, that meant he could once again be given the chance to complete the last leg of their journey. She decided she would talk to him soon; and in case he didn’t agree, she would file the papers herself and leave him.
As if life is so easy!
Once he went back, they started talking over the phones again. Twice a day. Six times a day. Then they lost count. By this time both of them were sure they are going to be together soon. But , did she really have all the courage? She told him to wait till her sister settles down. ‘Just five to six months. Talks are on,’ she’d tell him. He was ready to wait forever.
But then, Life had never been all that simple for her.
‘Hello..? Is that ..(name)..?’
‘Yeah. Who’s this?’
This is Nayana, (his name) girlfriend.
She’s stunned.
‘See, I just called to tell you that you stop calling him from now onwards…its been long since you have been married…why the hell you can’t be happy with your husband? You have already been your worst with him. Can you just leave him alone so that he can concentrate on people who really love him…blah blah blah…..’
The caller went on and on. She could hardly hear what she said beyond these lines. Though she understood that her character was being assassinated. Could he really be deceiving her all these months?
The easiest thing to do at such times: BREAK INTO TEARS!!
She disconnected the call, got into the shower. As the water droplets speckled on her bare skin, she let out a huge, loud cry. Cries wash off the effects of even the deepest of wounds.

She knew he couldn’t do it. She knew he was worried about her family, and her husband; who, for no sin of his, was leading a lonely life inspite of having a wife.
She at once understood he had planned this. She didn’t call him back. No, not because she wanted to change his decision, but because she wanted him to remain firm. She never had the courage to say no, how least she wanted the events in her life to happen. She could not deceive her husband, however he was, whatever he did. She cannot be happy; she knew, but she couldn’t bear the guilt either.

And this time, she was happy that he had called the shots. Now she could, perhaps , mark a new beginning , without any guilt. ‘Finally, he’s realized I am not worth him', she thought with satisfaction, 'I never was’.

She came out of the washroom, her eyes still shone somehow,(though not out of love), and she got into the kitchen to cook her husband’s favorite dishes.

This time, she wanted no explanations, she knew what and why life had taken this turn.

He knew he’d lost her forever now. He loved her, how could he be happy to see her disturbed over her family? Family that meant the world for her? He knew she would be guilty all her life if she left her husband like that. He thanked Nayana for calling her.

‘By now, she must have begun hating me’, he thought to himself with all his love for her.
‘By now, he must have begun hating me’, she thought to herself with all her love for him.

Games…..!!

Gaming in Love.....(Story)

‘Do u think u will be happy with him?’, he asked, as if to be sure, for the last time.

‘I don’t know about that, but are you going to do something this time or just let me go? What are you scared of? Come on, be a man.’ She tried hard, hard to make him understand the gravity of the situation she was in; more aptly, situation that she had created; unknowingly, unrightfully.

‘But we cant…how…I mean how are we going to live….there..i…you…’,he stammered.

‘Fine then, I am going to marry him. Marry him, and you sulk sitting there for the rest of your life. I have decided.’

He knew this tone. Knew it very well. He knew once she dismissed all arguments, she wouldn’t let anyone speak. He knew this was the end.

She waited for him to say something. ‘I know you love me, say it, say that you are not going to let this happen’, she said to herself, pleading Gods that he repeats her, word by word.

He didn’t say anything. She slammed the phone down harshly. He held it till tears flowed down his eyes. She stood firm for a second. Then collapsed on the couch just inches away from her.

It all started with a little game that she often liked to play whenever she wanted to test him. Test. Perhaps because it had been six long years that they had been away from each other in the physical sense; though they registered their presence in each others heart. He used to fly down to India, once a year; just to see her, to have a glimpse of the woman in life he so loved; to touch her being with his eyes; to feel her warmth with his lips. She knew it. And she loved the way he would plant a kiss here, touch her there; she missed his fingers in her hair, the passion in his eyes. She loved being in love with her boyfriend of eight years. They had traveled long- from being school mates, to friends, from friends to lovers, lovers to soulmates…but the last stretch of journey seemed to be missing. No, it wasn’t fate that had them apart, it was her. And - she knew it.

She would play these little games with him once he opted for a PG course in engineering in the US.’ Don’t go’, she’d say. ‘Its already been long since we had good times. Its been 4 long years without getting to see you often. Maybe you can try for it in a year or two?’

‘But, love, think of all the good things that I shall be able to provide for you if I become a specialist? You have always wanted that big diamond ring , I want to be able to buy it for you with my own money. And, trust me, another two years, and I would come back, talk to your mom, and…….’

Sometimes, words aren’t required.

Sure, he went. Sure, he will come back, she thought to herself many times. And then, this is the age of computers. They were in touch. They still talked for hours. She took to work after college, life got boring, people came up with new proposals for marrying her, and then, the idea struck.

She told him that a smart, handsome doctor had approached her with a proposal. He knew she was beautiful beyond words, and he knew she belonged to him. He didn’t react much. He knew she could handle this. She sent him pictures, he commented ‘Good’. She wanted him to say something, beg her to stay. He trusted nothing was in their way.

Her mother was happy. Very happy that her eldest daughter had been approached by the most eligible bachelor in the small town. How come she wasn’t aware that she’d been seeing somebody? She never hid. Probably, her mother never asked.

She decided to wait. Deep somewhere, she assured herself that he would be back and then she would disclose her desire to marry the only man she’d ever loved in her life.

The doctor, however, genuinely liked her.He was good looking, intelligent, from a good, decent family, and he earned well. Didn’t smoke or drink. Perfect marriage material, it seemed. She played with him. He fell in love.

Her mother finally announced that they would be engaged. At her surprise birthday party. The party had definitely taken her by surprise.

And he had surprised her by not coming this time.

Now that she lay on the couch, she couldn’t believe what a mess she’d made. Thoughts failed her, and the ever-ready-idea-strucker voice in her brain betrayed her.

He didn’t call back. She concluded he never loved her. The dates were announced, and shopping sprees were in full swing. She’d not seen her mother happier since her father died 15 years ago. This made her smile. Atleast someone is happy about all this. She loved her mother dearly, and so couldn’t muster up enough courage to tell her the truth that what started as a game, is making her loose herself. She couldn’t embarrass her, in front of all the in-good-times-we-show-up, in-bad-times-we-disappear relatives. For, it is entirely true, marriages in India don’t happen between individuals, but between families. And when it came to her family, it meant the world for her. She stood in front of her father’s garlanded picture, and she knew she couldn’t.

She’d not seen herself so lost in the last 25 years.

She was surprised to note that none of her friends, friends who knew of her being involved, questioned her decision. Decision to get married to a man she barely knew two months ago. ‘Maybe, Gods have willed this’, she comforted herself.

And, tied the knot. ‘Move on’, she said to herself.
He took to drinking. He took drugs. He wandered. He lost himself. And he wanted to remain lost. He refused to move on.

They relocated to another location owing to good career opportunities the big cities provided. Sure enough, both of them got to good jobs. And got busy.

Soon, she adapted to all the innate qualities that good wives must possess. She wasn’t a virgin anymore, but she hadn’t made love. She was working at middle level management at a MNC, a good amount got credited to her account each month, and she fascinated all around her with her charisma and jolly nature. She was appreciated for her work, and soon gained the respect of her colleagues. She was straight forward in her approach, and people knew when she meant business. She still wore the same ‘Attitude’ she so dearly loved. She was her natural self when her husband was not around. And she loved it.

Being at home, it was a different story. She acted like a timid, stupid, foolish woman who could do no more than cook, wash and clean. How she survives in office, her husband often thought. They barely talked of things other than work and home. She was interrupted everytime she opened her mouth, he was never open to suggestions. Her initial attempts to win his heart failed miserably, his arrogant nature never let her be herself, and this further perturbed her. He was frustrated with the marriage and chose to ignore her; she never complained. Her life changed, and days passed…

Only one thing didn’t change. Her love for him. The feeling that she had betrayed him. Many times, she thought of running away from her failing marriage. However, she stuck on. Family sakes!! She knew she wasn’t happy. Soon enough, others also began acknowledging the missing factor. Questions were raised, to which she had no answers. Deep in her heart, she constantly prayed for the times to rewind her life. She prayed to be with the man she’d only loved all her life. She couldn’t congregate enough courage to contact him. She kept a track as to where he was, through a few common friends, but strictly told them not to disclose him her whereabouts. Games!

Little did she know that fate had already planned that one fine day, they will cross ways. One fine day, she will get to see him again. Much against her wishes. Much in line with her desires.
To be continued….

Just another Day....

Today – is yet another day,
A new sunrise,
A new horizon,
A new thrill,
A new vision.

But,,,,
Is all that nice as it sounds?
Is all well as it seems?
Is really there a new thrill, as they say?
Is there something as a new day?

The answers are startling,,,

There aren’t new sunrises, but the same sun rises time and again.

There are no new horizons, just the gap between you, happiness, and dreams widens.

There are no new thrills, but only new unwanted challenges.

There are no new visions, just old thoughts redefined.

For today is,
Just
Another day!!

My Moment of Despair...

I begin with a sigh,
Then slowly, break into a cry,
I try to conceal,
I try to hide,
But deep within I know,
This is another moment of despair.

When I try to feel free,
When I want to be ‘ME’,
I fail to understand how it disturbs others,
But I can still see things changing, people switching sides,
But deep within I realize,
This is another moment of despair.

I try to find a shoulder,
Just in hope of overcoming boulders,
Alas!! Not an arm spare,
Not a word of sympathy,
Just rude glares,
And question marks on my dignity,
Warm droplets run through my eyes,
Because deep within I know
This is MY moment of Despair….

The Beads and the Threads.....

My life is like a thread,
Holding together different beads,
The thread is made of feelings,
And decides on how the beads are going to cling.

Some are vibrant, and sharp.
Some seem exceptionally pretty,
Some I have lost already lost,
Some will cease to be with me.

The beads and the thread,
Make my life what it is,
Whether scorching suns will shine on me,
Or I will have the pleasures of a cool breeze.

There are wars of aggression,
Or sometimes, plain confusion,
There are moments of passion,
Or severe criticism.

Each thought, each act,
Unfolds a new chapter in my life,
A new beginning, or an old end,
A daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife.

Some chapters are long, others shorter,
Some tragic, others of love,
But are engraved in my heart,
The chapters and various stages.

The beads are the puppets,
The thread, binding scripts,
Somebody directs, maybe circumstances,
And I do the lipsings.

And trust me,
For I very well know,
That I am nothing more then,
Another bead, in another thread…..

His Eyes Held Me........

I looked up to meet his eyes..his eyes. The eyes that always said he cared. He loved. The eyes that showed affection to the extent that they made me believe I was ‘safe’, ‘safe’ from the callous world outside that had always wanted me to dice into pieces, ‘safe’ from all the things that I believed shouldn’t happen to me, ‘safe’ from all the misdeeds, and misgivings, the world had to offer. But no, his eyes didn’t show me all this, not even for a second. No, these couldn’t be his eyes. There was rage, fiery in its way; there was fire, burning me deep inside; and there was apprehension, of perhaps, how I would react. React?? I didn’t really know how to!! The only thing I knew was that I had failed him somehow, disappointed him at some point, and that I had, for once, made him change the color of his eyes. I tried to speak, but his eyes held me. Tears came flowing down my cheek; his eyes didn’t seem to notice. I tried to touch him, for I always believed that touch had the power that words could never transmit. I tried hard to raise my hand, but his eyes held me. I wanted to comfort him, feel his hair, a soft kiss there; I wished he would comfort me, take me in his arms, whisper something in my ears. Instead, he violently budged me, as if he wanted me to open my eyes. He shouted, and I whispered; ‘I am right here, right here beside you’. He didn’t notice. He hugged my corpse, and let his tears find the way through my dead hair to my face and lips. Again, the color of his eyes changed. They now showed pain, anguish, sorrow and emptiness. Emptiness, because my being had made him complete; and now that I was no more he was empty.

He couldn’t save me. And I failed him by submitting to death.

Gods came upto me, and told me to ensue, but, his eyes; his eyes held me.

Murder,,,,even before she was Born...

Murder..

I was a free spirit,
Pure, virtuous and pious,
Until I learnt about this world,
With racial discrimination and gender bias.

I asked God, why Earth?
HE said I must live a life now,
That will make me realize the profundity
Of Life and Death.

I laughed at the verdict,
And told him I would pass the ‘sentence’ laughing at all,
He then sent me to a womb,
As a FEMALE.

I could feel the happiness in my Mom’s laughter,
My father sounded a little concerned,
My mom assured it was a boy,
I knew I was shunned.

Days passed, then weeks,
My father was readying my mom for the test,
I wondered if they would be happy,
That I am not a boy, but the best.

The reports came,
Alas! It hid nothing,
Its a girl,
Hello, I was your first child, above anything

While I was worrying inside,
I heard they were planning to kill
There were numerous options,
A small operation or a pill.

I heard my Mom cry again and again,
I shivered inside, and dreaded what would happen,
I couldn’t smile, nor laugh my way to death,
In the first instant, my spirits were dampened.



I prayed to God, to let me live,
I pleaded to my father,
No one possibly heard me,
For no one bothered.

A day later, preparations were on,
And my fate decided,
I closed my eyes, and
To heavens I floated……

I was welcomed like an Angel,
But not a twinkle in my eye,
Before I could ever live,
I had to die.

I wanted to ask my father,
How he had married my mom,
If her father had killed her,
Who would have given him a son?

I wished to ask my Mom,
Why she couldn’t fight for me,
How did she let her child murdered?
And still wanted to be called a ‘Mother’….

Changing Equations,.,.,

No, this isn’t about maths, but about a more complex subject: Relationships. It’s astounding to discover that the word itself is so much multifaceted, complicated and baffling that at a moment when one thinks he’s got it, he fails miserably in managing it. It goes simple. My best friends, since school, turned a bit stranger while I got into twenties, and by the time I got married, I felt they don’t know me at all. We talk often, say about once in a week or so, but the talks are limited to daily routine or a major problem that one of us might be facing. I was the first one amongst the three of us to get a job, to fall in love, be engaged and then to get married. Now that the two of us have got married, are working, and have taken to new responsibilities, the bond somehow seems to be growing weak. We don’t call each other often, sometimes we don’t even feel like dialing the numbers, and we don’t share much anymore. My best friends of 8 years, people without whom it was difficult to imagine life, bonds that seemed stronger than anything, are not sweet anymore, if not sour. Equations have changed. New people new responsibilities and possibly new friends. Derivatives are still the same, at the end of the day; I have managed to crib about almost everything that isn’t happening as I would want it to, in my life. The people have changed, times have changed, so have I.

This change is true of almost any possible relation one can think of. We are mostly drawn to each other not because of similar problems, or tastes, but because all our life we want to hold on someone who can sympathize with us on how much hardships we are facing in our lives. We share, not because we want to, but because we totally depend on others to tell us whether we are right, or wrong, whether we should or we shouldn’t, whether we can or we cannot; the list could be endless. Think about your Mom, about the times you thought she was the closest to you, to the times you came to a conclusion that she simply doesn’t understand. Or maybe your brothers, sisters, cousins, or even people you fell in love with. Once I passed out of college, and got to work, I realized that I shared, or cribbed, or asked from advice from a few colleagues whom I happened to like because of some or other quality that I didn’t possess. At a moment when I would gain a closeness factor with one of them, I would pour my heart, like they would. This would refresh me, rejuvenate me, and instill in me a new ‘ME’. Now that I have relocated to a new place, I would soon need new people to decide on new equations.

And then I say, I am still in touch with the best people I came across in my life. In touch, just touching their lives from a far off corner, as my equations have now changed.

Truth certainly sounds bitter!!

Smitten,,,

LOVE


A feeling of passion,
A sudden craze,
An emotion full of emotions,
An unsolved maze.

A feeling of being possessed,
A person’s real image,
The destination of HEART,
Unknown and Away.


A place of imagination, The Country of LOVE,
Where one gets solace,
Love is the ruler here,
Happiness guards one,
Enemy is the world,
Loneliness- The COMPANION.

No tensions, no worries,
No time to have sweets or curries,
One name dearer then GOD,
No hassles, no hurries,

Long lasting, life time love,
Is more than the heaven’s above,
True Love purifies the Soul
And inculcates innocence as a Dove.

So Friends, Love is Life,
And We LIVE to LOVE,
Spread Love like a Virus,
Till the skies above!!

Missing a Friend,,,,

Friendship is something,
I can’t express in words to you,
All I can say is that,
I found the best in you.

It is a blessing,
To have a friend like you,
‘Coz life would have been dull,
If it was without you.

You instill strength in me,
I sometimes hurt you,
But u stood like a rock with me,
In times dim blue.

I blurt my frustrations on you,
For all wrongs in life, blamed you,
You still loved me unconditionally,
And stuck to me as if with a glue.

Never could I thank you enough,
Never can I forget you,
Never will this life be same,
As it was with you.

Though you are very far,
And I miss you so much,
Just remember you are a person,
Whom I love very much!!

Beat the Heat with Cool Tips!

Now that summers are here to stay, it becomes necessary to rework on one’s daily routine to avoid the common problems like sun burns, tanning, loss of appetite, perspiration etc. Following are a few remedies to reduce the effect of these concerns:

-: While going out: Make sure that you apply a good coat of Sun Screen on all exposed parts of the body like the face, neck, hands, arms etc. Various brands are available in the market, with numerous options for different types of skins. Make sure that you choose one with as much SPF as your skin’s requirement. If possible, try not to expose yourself to the harmful rays of the sun, instead cover your arms and neck. Carry an umbrella and use a good pair of sunglasses.

-: Increase water intake: During summers, the body looses a lot of water in the form of sweat so it becomes imperative to increase the intake of fluids to avoid dehydration. Cool juices, shakes, Jaljeera, and the good old nimbu pani (lemonade) are great heat relievers. As much as possible, carry your share of water with you incase you are going out.


-: Appetite issues: Loss of appetite is mainly caused because of dehydration. Nimbu pani is an excellent appetizer. Or one can supplement meals with spicy pickles, curds, salads, chutneys etc. All these supplements make the routine daal-sabzi all the more appealing. Avoid fried and oily foods. Instead relish light food items that are good for the stomach.

-: Skin Care: Our face has no escape from the sun. Excessive exposure to the sun can cause sun burns, loss of glow, tanning etc. Sunburns can be beaten by simply applying yoghurt on the face and washing it off after 20 minutes. Applying tomato and cucumber juice also helps. You can refresh your tired skin by using cucumber juice and rosewater. This mixture can be stored in spray bottles for a week in the refrigerator.


-: Sweating & body odor: This is again a very common problem. Incase use of deodorants is not really helping, here’s a natural deo remedy: Take a few bay leaves and soak them in a mug of water overnight. Strain the water and mix a teaspoon of black cardamom powder and two teaspoons of fuller’s earth or multani mitti and your body pack is ready. Apply this body pack to avoid excessive sweating. An easier option would be to make a body pack using fuller’s earth and rose water.

-: Prickly heat: Prepare a solution comprising of neem, tulsi, coriander and raw turmeric. Apply it on the affected areas before a bath. You will get rid of scratching in minutes.


-: Dress Right: Nylon and synthetic clothing stick to body and do not allow body to breathe. So its time to put away all your nylons and synthetics and opt for loose fitting cotton or khadi fabrics that allows body to breathe and evaporates perspiration.

-: A Cool Mind: Well, keeping a cool head surely helps you and others around. Remember mercury rising doest mean you temperature should also rise. Beat the heat with cool juices, and a cool head!!

Hope this helps!

Hi Bloggers!!

Hi there,

I have just joined Blogspot and I am really happy about it. I had been writing while in school and college and once I got into the rat race for money, I was left with no time to even read. I am glad that I have now found a something where I can atleast pen down my views and share others. I believe that there is a DIVINE force that I must convey my Thanks to and pray to it to be with me, forever and for always. As we all know, we remember GOD mostly when we are in times of need, of despair, and when we have no one or nothing to look upto, there's just one word that we chatter,,,GOD..of course, I m no exception to this selfish sounding statement. Infact, I have always prayed more n more whenever I hit the bottom in life. However, I have written a few lines, not praising GOD, for its not possible in languages that humans know (pst. I know just 3), not thanking him either, (come on!! for how many things will I thank HIM!!) and neither for all the wonderful things HE created. As I said earlier, I am selfish, like everyone possibly is, and through the lines that follow, I just want to let HIM know when I need HIM the most...

My God, I NEED You....

When my heart bleeds

In sadness, in despair,

When my tears flow,

And nothing seems clear,

When it pains hard inside,

But,,,I do smile,

When I am lost,

In dark clouds for a while,

When I am lonely,

Dwindling in troubles much,

When I am feeling sad,

And all my dreams crunch,

When IT hurts me,

But,,I can't say,

When nothing belongs to me,

And nowhere is gay,

When it’s just "HELL",

And I feel betrayed,

When I wish to cry, but not a shoulder spare,

When its hard,

But,,I can't complain,

When its just FATE,

Destined for ME,

When I dismiss myself,

And begin loosing ME,

IS WHEN I NEED U THE MOST MY GOD,

And I am glad, U have ALWAYS been there...



Lucky ME!!