RELEASED ---- FROM LOVE TO LOVE

She lit the cigarette…her fourth in about two hours. She only smoked because she knew it hurt him, basically, it was the only thing he seemed to react to. A tear traced its journey from the end of her eye as she took a deep puff inside; she’d grown immune to the taste, bitter as it was, yet she relished it, for she knew the smell made him take notice of her.

‘Notice of me’; she shook her head. What was it she wanted from a relationship? Were the movies reflecting there charismatic sets in her desires? Is it so bad to ask for love? Another puff. Her relationships have always gone haywire, what is it that she’s looking for? She expected words of love, yes she did; she also wanted some time alone with him, she wanted him to tell her how he felt about her, all those things that she’d read and seen and heard. Was it too much to ask for? As she burst crying, she took a deep puff, letting the smoke in the air accompanied with bouts of cough. Why do people do not feel the need to tell each other that they cared and loved after a while? And when does everything and everyone becomes taken for granted? Was she trying too hard, or was he finding a way out?

Way out? The words echoed in her mind, being louder than her cough bouts. What did they say about committing oneself to love and all that concerned with it? What a fool she has been, she cursed herself aloud…No , these stupid commitments are not forever, they are used only as an additional measure to make one loose stupid minds to their hearts, and everything starts looking different. Or maybe it simply puts to rest all mushy mushy things, signaling that we are on a serious tread, we will be together all our lives, we share a house and a bed, and that’s all. Who has the time to make you feel loved everyday? You are loved, once said, must last a life time. Then why can’t she be like him? Why is she restless? Why does she kiss him every morning she wakes up, while he seems to dwell away in his sleep? Why does she unfailingly wait for him in the bedroom so that he would make her sleep in his arms, when she knows his preference is the television? Why does a feeling of hurt crosses her mind when she sees a couple hand in hand on the streets, when she couldn’t remember when did they last walked a few miles purposelessly? Why did her friends open love notes for each other fill her mind with exasperation? NO, he doesn’t need a wayout, SHE DID.

She pressed the cigarette butt on the ash tray, wiped her tears and dashed towards the mirror. The kajal seemed to be everywhere except her eyes, her face looked red and bleak, her eyes radiated loneliness and she was clearly a failed example. No, this can’t be, she thought to herself, I love him the way I do, and am not dependent on his love, but on mine. They are gonna be together, only that she wouldn’t be pressing him notice, she would herself make her unnoticeable to him, for she’d immerse in world that she will create for himself, where he needn’t be there in person, but only as her thoughts. She’d still kiss him mornings, yet not expect to be kissed back. She’d do everything for him that she will feel right, yet never blink an eye when he’d suggest otherwise.

A nice hot shower released her body from the pain. She’d not cried anymore. She threw the pack of cigarettes in the dustbin, and simply got on with her official assignment.


**** After dinner, she wished him good night and went to bed. He probably expected her to call upon, she didn’t. She finished her read, and slept peacefully, knowing he will be by her side when she wakes up the next morning. ****


She’d released herself in letting him go.
She’d freed herself from the expectations she had from him

.


It wasn’t easy, she still gets desperate sometimes, but then she hasn’t lost her love, it keeps her going – with or without him.

I became Strong, when you set me Free.
And I became even Stronger;
When I LET you GO.

In Search....

I am not sure where I am going, or where is my destination,
Am wondering what I am looking for, I need some explanation,
I am confused, and insecure, I don’t have a clear path,
I feel lost and uncertain, filled with tears and uncalled wrath,
I am unknown to the world, I can’t even say if I know me,
I am looking for answers, to the questions I myself build,
I am driving down a road, and can’t say if its right,
I am standing up for something, not sure if it deserves a fight,
Where have I landed myself, I know not,
Where I am headed, I haven’t yet thought,
Am I over, and all is lost?
Is this a beginning, or a full stop?

Gaming in love.....(Second part)

So as was destined, they crossed ways, after three long years, in a shopping mall. She heard a familiar voice, demanding blue color in a stylish shirt. More so, when a couple of voices said that black is definitely suiting him better, and that he has loads of blues in his closet. ‘No, blue and only blue’, she heard. She knew someone in her life had a fetish for blue. Someone she knew long ago. Someone perhaps, was this stranger. She turned back, but all she could see were men in various shapes and sizes. She fished out her credit card and told her sister to settle accounts. She walked up to the Men’s counter, and she heard someone laughing at something.
She froze when she saw someone with a blue shirt in his hands, and a giggle on his face.
Someone she had so well known, so deeply loved.
He dropped the shirt when their eyes met. Eyes, which had conveyed so many untold words to her. His eyes, which shone with her love, sure looked blank for a moment. The world stopped. Heartbeats ceased. And they stared, unblinkingly. Nothing in the world lasts, not even this moment of eternal joy.
‘Hey, wassup?’, someone chirped. And they blinked their eyes.

‘Go for the black one’, she heard herself speak. Wo, was it really she?
The salesman was told to pack the black shirt. His friends stared.
Her mobile buzzed.

‘Yeah, a minute. Get in the car’.

He understood she was with someone. He wondered whether he should ask her for coffee. What if she was with her husband? He sank up and down in the sea of thoughts that seemed to engulf him all of a sudden. Sixty seconds and sixty thousand thoughts. Wow.

‘How come you are here, last I heard that you were in Delhi’.
She knew?
I always knew about you, idiot.
‘Aah, yeah got a business conference here, and I am a member.’
So, he’s doing well.
‘You are still crazy for blue?’
‘Somethings last forever.’
And you, did you change?
Yes, can’t you see that I am carrying a MangalSutra in my neck.
Oh, and till when are you here?
As long as you want me to, no idiot, ‘umm,,a week I guess.’
He was to leave in two days.
She still is the most beaitiful woman on this planet.
She caught on the blue band on you wrist.
'It's worn out now, change it.'
‘Good, can we catch up for coffee?’, she said, pointing to the Barista just opposite the Mall.
Did she just invite him?
They never realized they had reached the parking.
‘Di, get in.’
‘Tomorrow at 5.’
‘See you.’
‘Yeah, bye.’

The black Honda City rode past him. She seemed to be rich now. But he didn’t see the usual twinkle in her eyes, which indicated her happiness. Instead, he saw a deep, dark vacuum. He wondered why did he lie to her about being in town till a week?
Did he still have feelings for her?

After 3 years since she last called him? To end all that was his life? He curled his eyebrows, told his friends that he will catch up with them later. He needed to get back to his hotel.

She cooked the best dinner that night. Her husband was astonished; there was a strange spark in her eyes, an eccentric glow on her face. On his being curious, she just told him it was nothing.

He knew her well enough to conclude there was definitely something. But decided to keep mum. It was after a long time she radiated light like this, he had fallen in love with this radiance; he wanted it to be their forever.

Not surprisingly, they met the following day at the Barista. From pleasantries, the conversations shifted to their lives, lives that were empty. She soon broke into tears; he into silence. She accused him; blamed him for what her life had become. He simply stared at his third cup of coffee. He had no explanations. He never had. He caught himself staring at a big diamond ring shining on her ring finger. She had it.
For rest of the week, they met daily. Their smiles lit up the moment they saw each other. The frequent seeing resulted in rekindling their feelings once again. As if they had elapsed.
By the end of the week, they had concluded that they need to be together. There is, but just one life. They are both earning, they can easily survive even if the families turned against them. The only hassle was her divorce. Divorce, which she was sure her husband wouldn’t agree to. Divorce, that meant he could once again be given the chance to complete the last leg of their journey. She decided she would talk to him soon; and in case he didn’t agree, she would file the papers herself and leave him.
As if life is so easy!
Once he went back, they started talking over the phones again. Twice a day. Six times a day. Then they lost count. By this time both of them were sure they are going to be together soon. But , did she really have all the courage? She told him to wait till her sister settles down. ‘Just five to six months. Talks are on,’ she’d tell him. He was ready to wait forever.
But then, Life had never been all that simple for her.
‘Hello..? Is that ..(name)..?’
‘Yeah. Who’s this?’
This is Nayana, (his name) girlfriend.
She’s stunned.
‘See, I just called to tell you that you stop calling him from now onwards…its been long since you have been married…why the hell you can’t be happy with your husband? You have already been your worst with him. Can you just leave him alone so that he can concentrate on people who really love him…blah blah blah…..’
The caller went on and on. She could hardly hear what she said beyond these lines. Though she understood that her character was being assassinated. Could he really be deceiving her all these months?
The easiest thing to do at such times: BREAK INTO TEARS!!
She disconnected the call, got into the shower. As the water droplets speckled on her bare skin, she let out a huge, loud cry. Cries wash off the effects of even the deepest of wounds.

She knew he couldn’t do it. She knew he was worried about her family, and her husband; who, for no sin of his, was leading a lonely life inspite of having a wife.
She at once understood he had planned this. She didn’t call him back. No, not because she wanted to change his decision, but because she wanted him to remain firm. She never had the courage to say no, how least she wanted the events in her life to happen. She could not deceive her husband, however he was, whatever he did. She cannot be happy; she knew, but she couldn’t bear the guilt either.

And this time, she was happy that he had called the shots. Now she could, perhaps , mark a new beginning , without any guilt. ‘Finally, he’s realized I am not worth him', she thought with satisfaction, 'I never was’.

She came out of the washroom, her eyes still shone somehow,(though not out of love), and she got into the kitchen to cook her husband’s favorite dishes.

This time, she wanted no explanations, she knew what and why life had taken this turn.

He knew he’d lost her forever now. He loved her, how could he be happy to see her disturbed over her family? Family that meant the world for her? He knew she would be guilty all her life if she left her husband like that. He thanked Nayana for calling her.

‘By now, she must have begun hating me’, he thought to himself with all his love for her.
‘By now, he must have begun hating me’, she thought to herself with all her love for him.

Games…..!!

Gaming in Love.....(Story)

‘Do u think u will be happy with him?’, he asked, as if to be sure, for the last time.

‘I don’t know about that, but are you going to do something this time or just let me go? What are you scared of? Come on, be a man.’ She tried hard, hard to make him understand the gravity of the situation she was in; more aptly, situation that she had created; unknowingly, unrightfully.

‘But we cant…how…I mean how are we going to live….there..i…you…’,he stammered.

‘Fine then, I am going to marry him. Marry him, and you sulk sitting there for the rest of your life. I have decided.’

He knew this tone. Knew it very well. He knew once she dismissed all arguments, she wouldn’t let anyone speak. He knew this was the end.

She waited for him to say something. ‘I know you love me, say it, say that you are not going to let this happen’, she said to herself, pleading Gods that he repeats her, word by word.

He didn’t say anything. She slammed the phone down harshly. He held it till tears flowed down his eyes. She stood firm for a second. Then collapsed on the couch just inches away from her.

It all started with a little game that she often liked to play whenever she wanted to test him. Test. Perhaps because it had been six long years that they had been away from each other in the physical sense; though they registered their presence in each others heart. He used to fly down to India, once a year; just to see her, to have a glimpse of the woman in life he so loved; to touch her being with his eyes; to feel her warmth with his lips. She knew it. And she loved the way he would plant a kiss here, touch her there; she missed his fingers in her hair, the passion in his eyes. She loved being in love with her boyfriend of eight years. They had traveled long- from being school mates, to friends, from friends to lovers, lovers to soulmates…but the last stretch of journey seemed to be missing. No, it wasn’t fate that had them apart, it was her. And - she knew it.

She would play these little games with him once he opted for a PG course in engineering in the US.’ Don’t go’, she’d say. ‘Its already been long since we had good times. Its been 4 long years without getting to see you often. Maybe you can try for it in a year or two?’

‘But, love, think of all the good things that I shall be able to provide for you if I become a specialist? You have always wanted that big diamond ring , I want to be able to buy it for you with my own money. And, trust me, another two years, and I would come back, talk to your mom, and…….’

Sometimes, words aren’t required.

Sure, he went. Sure, he will come back, she thought to herself many times. And then, this is the age of computers. They were in touch. They still talked for hours. She took to work after college, life got boring, people came up with new proposals for marrying her, and then, the idea struck.

She told him that a smart, handsome doctor had approached her with a proposal. He knew she was beautiful beyond words, and he knew she belonged to him. He didn’t react much. He knew she could handle this. She sent him pictures, he commented ‘Good’. She wanted him to say something, beg her to stay. He trusted nothing was in their way.

Her mother was happy. Very happy that her eldest daughter had been approached by the most eligible bachelor in the small town. How come she wasn’t aware that she’d been seeing somebody? She never hid. Probably, her mother never asked.

She decided to wait. Deep somewhere, she assured herself that he would be back and then she would disclose her desire to marry the only man she’d ever loved in her life.

The doctor, however, genuinely liked her.He was good looking, intelligent, from a good, decent family, and he earned well. Didn’t smoke or drink. Perfect marriage material, it seemed. She played with him. He fell in love.

Her mother finally announced that they would be engaged. At her surprise birthday party. The party had definitely taken her by surprise.

And he had surprised her by not coming this time.

Now that she lay on the couch, she couldn’t believe what a mess she’d made. Thoughts failed her, and the ever-ready-idea-strucker voice in her brain betrayed her.

He didn’t call back. She concluded he never loved her. The dates were announced, and shopping sprees were in full swing. She’d not seen her mother happier since her father died 15 years ago. This made her smile. Atleast someone is happy about all this. She loved her mother dearly, and so couldn’t muster up enough courage to tell her the truth that what started as a game, is making her loose herself. She couldn’t embarrass her, in front of all the in-good-times-we-show-up, in-bad-times-we-disappear relatives. For, it is entirely true, marriages in India don’t happen between individuals, but between families. And when it came to her family, it meant the world for her. She stood in front of her father’s garlanded picture, and she knew she couldn’t.

She’d not seen herself so lost in the last 25 years.

She was surprised to note that none of her friends, friends who knew of her being involved, questioned her decision. Decision to get married to a man she barely knew two months ago. ‘Maybe, Gods have willed this’, she comforted herself.

And, tied the knot. ‘Move on’, she said to herself.
He took to drinking. He took drugs. He wandered. He lost himself. And he wanted to remain lost. He refused to move on.

They relocated to another location owing to good career opportunities the big cities provided. Sure enough, both of them got to good jobs. And got busy.

Soon, she adapted to all the innate qualities that good wives must possess. She wasn’t a virgin anymore, but she hadn’t made love. She was working at middle level management at a MNC, a good amount got credited to her account each month, and she fascinated all around her with her charisma and jolly nature. She was appreciated for her work, and soon gained the respect of her colleagues. She was straight forward in her approach, and people knew when she meant business. She still wore the same ‘Attitude’ she so dearly loved. She was her natural self when her husband was not around. And she loved it.

Being at home, it was a different story. She acted like a timid, stupid, foolish woman who could do no more than cook, wash and clean. How she survives in office, her husband often thought. They barely talked of things other than work and home. She was interrupted everytime she opened her mouth, he was never open to suggestions. Her initial attempts to win his heart failed miserably, his arrogant nature never let her be herself, and this further perturbed her. He was frustrated with the marriage and chose to ignore her; she never complained. Her life changed, and days passed…

Only one thing didn’t change. Her love for him. The feeling that she had betrayed him. Many times, she thought of running away from her failing marriage. However, she stuck on. Family sakes!! She knew she wasn’t happy. Soon enough, others also began acknowledging the missing factor. Questions were raised, to which she had no answers. Deep in her heart, she constantly prayed for the times to rewind her life. She prayed to be with the man she’d only loved all her life. She couldn’t congregate enough courage to contact him. She kept a track as to where he was, through a few common friends, but strictly told them not to disclose him her whereabouts. Games!

Little did she know that fate had already planned that one fine day, they will cross ways. One fine day, she will get to see him again. Much against her wishes. Much in line with her desires.
To be continued….