She knew that things had gone sour between them.
She knew she had reached a break-even point now.
She knew she couldn’t hang onto this relation, this marriage, this man any longer.
She knew, and she well understood this all.
As she decided to pack her bags with the bare minimum of daily necessities, she felt her eyes getting moist. She quickly rubbed her eyes with her hands, something she disliked a lot; even though not even a single tear had left her eyes. She wasn’t going to feel weak this time. No Sir!
She flung all her clothes on the bed, in order to choose what-to-take-and-what- to-leave-behind. Behind. Yes, she would be leaving behind everything concerning her past. Atleast, she thought so.
It was then her sight caught the Pink Sari, it was ‘the’ pink sari because she wore it on her engagement. And, who, other than him, could have gifted her a mystic sequel worked beauty she’d always wanted?
He knew she loved pinks.
And he bought pinks in all forms, shapes, & sizes often.
Again, the moist eyes, the rubbing of eyes, and the insistence of being strong.
Then she had her hands on the white beaded necklace. They had their first pre-martial kiss with this necklace in her neck. Aah! Bliss.
The old cards, with sweet nothings written, the stupid one liners, the shayari, and yes the cute teddy bear.
Something in her made her smile. And all smilingly she put back all her belongings in her closet, rearranging each and every piece of her treasured memories.
The phone rang.
‘Hello?’
‘Honey, I am sorry for the morning…you know I love you…I know I kinda crossed a few limits today, but you know I didn’t mean a word…You know…’
He went on & on.
She cried and never cared to wipe.
Musings of A Life Time...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
as if...
Well, it’s close to 2 months since I have joined this place. And, trust me; it is somehow, bit by bit, getting better. Or maybe, I have changed my perception. And, probably, lowered my expectations to bottom levels from unknown people. I have had lunches sitting alone in secluded corners, in an otherwise jam packed canteen, I have come to terms with my Boss not really taking interest in my work, or my potential, I have concluded that since I am better than the lot around me, so people do not really want to talk to me. I have taken into account the fact that being an outsider without many local contacts also labels me with the ‘alien species’ tag.
So, I’d decided to continue this for as long as a new job doesn’t fall into my lap. No, not as if it’s raining jobs, all that so during recession, when half of the country’s growth has crashed due to kharif’s failure and another half is dependent on rabi. Or maybe, it’s vice versa. I mean, I have got contacts, within the industry, and I happen to know big people who would (at least I perceive) be more than willing to hire me since they have been associated with me professionally in the past, and probably can help me realize my potential to the fullest. (Am I talking too much about potential??!!)
In the mean time, I happened to speak to a colleague of mine, about a little something, and he (out of the blue) turned out to be this polite, nice, and friendly sort of a guy, mind you, these three qualities were like non existent in the world of this new company. Initially, when he greeted me, or generally got into a conversation with me, I used to be somewhat cynical, as whether he has some selfish interests with something concerning me? He’d been kind to ask me for lunch with his pals a few times, sometimes he would ask me if I’d wanted to grab a coffee between schedules, and meanwhile, I’d concluded that he is a genuine person, someone who I could talk to, bitch about colleagues and our bosses, (believe me, he started it all), and laugh away the daily work tensions.
Another good thing: one of my ex colleague and a great friend also joined in another department!!
So now I had company for lunch, there were a few people who smiled at me, another few who liked my work and yet a big lot who took me as superfluous, undesirable competition. A few eyebrows go up when I go past them, a few whispers fade away when I smile at the whisperers, a few rumors are dying away, and others are taking shape.
My bosses sometimes are happy with my work, sometimes discard the most innovative ideas, they like to be nodded every time they open their mouth, and take pleasure in telling me that I am somehow lacking the ‘spark’. If only they knew that the day I shall open my mouth, they’ll be surrounded by fires.
I know, I know, it’s the corporate world after all!! And I have understood a little. I am in a big city, surrounded by big people, with big apprehensions, big egos, and even bigger insecurities. Each and every new thing in the vicinity is taken as a threat to their existence. Their comfort zones get disturbed, and they like to stick to their regular people. They view outsiders as ‘aliens’ and they make every possible attempt to frustrate ‘aliens’ so much so that the ‘alien’ himself feels so much ‘aliened’ that he ends up leaving the job.
I remember one of my ex-bosses telling me once: ‘Be a shark, this is a world of sharks; big sharks are always eating the small ones….’ And as if being a shark was not enough, he added: ‘…with sharp teeth…’
So life, since a last few days, seems to be somewhat back on track.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A new job, and...
25th of June 2009.
My first day at a new job, in a new city.
I entered the office some 10 minutes before time; my preference has always been to be before time, in all the 4 years that I have been working. I stole a quick glance at the big three buildings that made up the premises of my new workplace. It sure was huge, and since I come from a small town Shimla, it had me somehow fascinated.
As I drew closer to the reception gate, I got somewhat nervous; I belong to the slightly introvert family of people, I don’t really like to mingle with people first and then realize that they are not “My Types”, and consequently get to thinking of ways to avoid them. I take my own sweet time, observe people around me, and then choose the best possible option(s) amongst the lot. This leaves me alone, secluded and isolated in new places for some good period of time. Though I have told myself many times that it will not harm me in anyway to be friends with everyone, something in me, however, always pulls me back.
As such, I greeted the young girl at the reception, and told her that it was my joining today. She flashed me a smile, which was dry in some way, and told me to go to the HR department on the second floor. ‘Please don’t enter any cabins other than HR’, she said in a warning tone.
Warned me. Gosh!
As I climbed up the stairs, I realized that the stairs ended on the first floor, and then there were three huge sections of halls. I looked towards my right, and then left, and straight, and somehow figured I should go straight. I did, only to find out that amongst a hundred odd people sitting there nobody would really bother if I am unable to find someone I need to meet in an office. I asked altogether 3 of my prospective colleagues, who, without lifting either their eyes off the monitor or their hands off the keyboards told me ‘HR is on the second floor’.
Aww. As if I didn’t know this.
‘What I am asking is the way’, I retorted to one of them.
‘Second floor Ma’am.’
I then decided to go back to the reception and called up the HR Head, and told him that I am unable to find the way to his cabin, and that if he could send an office boy to take me through to him, it would be great help.
So, finally I had a blue shirt dressed office boy escorting me to the HR.
And, at last I found myself filling in the joining docket. There were no Hi’s or Hello’s, no one even bothered that a new joinee has come, and I struggled all alone through the confusing clauses of the docket.
I knew now that nobody is welcome here.
Nobody is bothered.
This was one situation of awkwardness I had never found myself in. Prior to this job, I have worked with 2 MNCs, same industry. I wouldn’t say I was all that welcome, owing to a little out-of-place face, but yes, people greeted a new comer warmly, and at least were happy to help with routine works, and general inquisitive questions. I cannot remember a single incident where I might have seen a new joinee so uncomfortable with things happening around him, as I was. I looked at almost everyone sitting on the floor, hoping that at least one person would show a little concern, without any success.
Now, after some two hours, the HR head, along with an assistant, congratulated me on joining, and told the assistant to show me around and finally lead me to the AVP’s cabin whom I were to report. He led me, at his own pace, without giving me much time even to look around. Anyways, after a small introduction, my Boss started showing the launch status, the preliminary planning details, and the innumerable presentations. Now that it was Lunch Time, though I presume he must have been hungry so as to declare that ‘since its time for lunch, you must have it’ kind of thing.
Somehow, actually somehow, I managed to control my irritability over all the things, stupid and unnecessary around me. I knew that once I blow off the lid, I’d not be stopped easily, and I didn’t want to create a scene on the first day at work. I was told to ‘spend time’ with a counterpart handling the same profile on another product, so as to make myself aware of the processes and businesses here. Now, (this is not out of pure frustration), this colleague of mine, had an irritating touch to his tone, voice, looks, in addition to his irritating behavior, and asking lengthy questions was another thing that he had to his credit. I was pissed off, for obvious reasons, and it seemed like as if this was another interview round in this ‘esteemed organization.’ My woes did not end here, as my being an AM in four years was taken in ‘derogatory’ terms with this fellow, since after 8 years of slugging in the same organization he had just been promoted to the same level a week ago. Now, what I wanted to ask this ‘snailish’ fellow was, ‘Is it my fault that you haven’t grown all these years?’. For obvious reasons, I didn’t get to ask.
So, with a lot of reservations, apprehensions, tensions, and suspicions, I passed the rest of the day in utter confusion, with no one, believe me, no one telling me anything about anything, just sitting beside the snailish colleague of mine, watching him doing silly things, and avoiding his silly questions, and trying not to be frustrated, or more aptly, discouraged with the current set of events happening around and with me. Ahh!!
Sharp 6:15 p.m. and already some 50% of the people had packed up for the day. And, since, practically, there was nothing to do, actually nothing to do, i picked up my bag, and out of sheer protocol said Bye to the Snail.
Second day is another story.
My first day at a new job, in a new city.
I entered the office some 10 minutes before time; my preference has always been to be before time, in all the 4 years that I have been working. I stole a quick glance at the big three buildings that made up the premises of my new workplace. It sure was huge, and since I come from a small town Shimla, it had me somehow fascinated.
As I drew closer to the reception gate, I got somewhat nervous; I belong to the slightly introvert family of people, I don’t really like to mingle with people first and then realize that they are not “My Types”, and consequently get to thinking of ways to avoid them. I take my own sweet time, observe people around me, and then choose the best possible option(s) amongst the lot. This leaves me alone, secluded and isolated in new places for some good period of time. Though I have told myself many times that it will not harm me in anyway to be friends with everyone, something in me, however, always pulls me back.
As such, I greeted the young girl at the reception, and told her that it was my joining today. She flashed me a smile, which was dry in some way, and told me to go to the HR department on the second floor. ‘Please don’t enter any cabins other than HR’, she said in a warning tone.
Warned me. Gosh!
As I climbed up the stairs, I realized that the stairs ended on the first floor, and then there were three huge sections of halls. I looked towards my right, and then left, and straight, and somehow figured I should go straight. I did, only to find out that amongst a hundred odd people sitting there nobody would really bother if I am unable to find someone I need to meet in an office. I asked altogether 3 of my prospective colleagues, who, without lifting either their eyes off the monitor or their hands off the keyboards told me ‘HR is on the second floor’.
Aww. As if I didn’t know this.
‘What I am asking is the way’, I retorted to one of them.
‘Second floor Ma’am.’
I then decided to go back to the reception and called up the HR Head, and told him that I am unable to find the way to his cabin, and that if he could send an office boy to take me through to him, it would be great help.
So, finally I had a blue shirt dressed office boy escorting me to the HR.
And, at last I found myself filling in the joining docket. There were no Hi’s or Hello’s, no one even bothered that a new joinee has come, and I struggled all alone through the confusing clauses of the docket.
I knew now that nobody is welcome here.
Nobody is bothered.
This was one situation of awkwardness I had never found myself in. Prior to this job, I have worked with 2 MNCs, same industry. I wouldn’t say I was all that welcome, owing to a little out-of-place face, but yes, people greeted a new comer warmly, and at least were happy to help with routine works, and general inquisitive questions. I cannot remember a single incident where I might have seen a new joinee so uncomfortable with things happening around him, as I was. I looked at almost everyone sitting on the floor, hoping that at least one person would show a little concern, without any success.
Now, after some two hours, the HR head, along with an assistant, congratulated me on joining, and told the assistant to show me around and finally lead me to the AVP’s cabin whom I were to report. He led me, at his own pace, without giving me much time even to look around. Anyways, after a small introduction, my Boss started showing the launch status, the preliminary planning details, and the innumerable presentations. Now that it was Lunch Time, though I presume he must have been hungry so as to declare that ‘since its time for lunch, you must have it’ kind of thing.
Somehow, actually somehow, I managed to control my irritability over all the things, stupid and unnecessary around me. I knew that once I blow off the lid, I’d not be stopped easily, and I didn’t want to create a scene on the first day at work. I was told to ‘spend time’ with a counterpart handling the same profile on another product, so as to make myself aware of the processes and businesses here. Now, (this is not out of pure frustration), this colleague of mine, had an irritating touch to his tone, voice, looks, in addition to his irritating behavior, and asking lengthy questions was another thing that he had to his credit. I was pissed off, for obvious reasons, and it seemed like as if this was another interview round in this ‘esteemed organization.’ My woes did not end here, as my being an AM in four years was taken in ‘derogatory’ terms with this fellow, since after 8 years of slugging in the same organization he had just been promoted to the same level a week ago. Now, what I wanted to ask this ‘snailish’ fellow was, ‘Is it my fault that you haven’t grown all these years?’. For obvious reasons, I didn’t get to ask.
So, with a lot of reservations, apprehensions, tensions, and suspicions, I passed the rest of the day in utter confusion, with no one, believe me, no one telling me anything about anything, just sitting beside the snailish colleague of mine, watching him doing silly things, and avoiding his silly questions, and trying not to be frustrated, or more aptly, discouraged with the current set of events happening around and with me. Ahh!!
Sharp 6:15 p.m. and already some 50% of the people had packed up for the day. And, since, practically, there was nothing to do, actually nothing to do, i picked up my bag, and out of sheer protocol said Bye to the Snail.
Second day is another story.
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