This is one peculiar problem that me, and a few of my other married friends are facing day in and day out, in our professional lives. Well, in this post, I am talking about a close friend Z. We were initially colleagues in our hometown for about 2 years, and soon clicked so well that we started sharing our personal spaces as well. Her marriage and my husband’s relocation took us to different cities, far apart, but we still managed to bind ourselves over the cell phones ( aah! Cell phones- the reason to connect, connect to reason). And it so turned out that 5 months post her marriage, she got a job in my office, and she relocated to this City Beautiful, while her husband decided to continue his job back there till he found a new one here.
Now, that she’s putting up on her own, with another close friend, she is often asked what brought her here, if it wasn’t for her husband. Indirectly, people sometimes even go to the extent of asking me if she’s divorced, ‘Know what, someone was telling me that your friend Z is a divorcee, you know her, na, is she really??”. And at such questions, I feel like tearing the guy/girl apart, a dozen local desi GAALIS escape my tongue, and I actually feel the itch in my hand to hit, slap or harm him/her in some way.
But what do I do?? I exclaim, sometimes, exaggerate the exclaim so much, that exclaim exclaims, and turning my big eyes even bigger, I generally retort in these lines: “What the f***? Who the hell told you this crap? She’s happily married, HAPPILY MARRIED, and that’s it….And why cant you guys just Goddamn work???It would do you and this sucking company some good….blah blah blah,…”, till the poor fellow vows never to ask me about anyone again.
No I am not against people asking me things, but what I fail to understand how do people conclude that some one is not doing well in her marriage, or she’s probably divorced, or having an extra martial affair here, or…well all negative and depressing things.
Ok, one might say, since she’s putting up on her own, so she’s facing this. Or one may even exclaim. “why’s she here?”. No sir, the reason is not her career, it’s her responsibility to support her family, and being the eldest of two daughters, she wants to support her family financially. She understands that her husband alone cannot provide for both the families, and she couldn’t find a job in the suburb town her husband’s based. So, does this mean that she doesn’t love her husband? Or her husband is incompetent? Honestly, how many of us can support two families, with one partner working? Of course, unless, you are doing exceptionally well in your trade, and your company is giving you hikes the way stones are scattered on the streets, or else you belong to the rich upper class doing-very-well-business-class-family.
Or maybe, she should retire to her life, her own life being a wife, doting bahu, et al, and leave her parents to survive on their own. Why, she sure can reason it: She’s a Daughter. At times, when she is highly frustrated, depressed, and low, I feel I just can’t help her anyway. She’s tired of being alone on deep, scary nights, she misses the warmth of her husband pressing against her torn skin, she reasons her decision, and weighs it every day.
But, she knows, what she’s doing. And I love her for the same. I can’t tell this to everyone who looks at her with suspicion, but, sometimes, I also feel like asking them, is being divorced such a stigma that people have to whisper in ears spreading the dreaded word?
So many questions run through my mind. It’s so difficult to be a woman, and work. And then it gets worse when you are married, and still pursuing your career. And the situation is blown out of proportions, when you are based away from your husband. And, I somehow am made to believe, all those women who have achieved highly in this world, must have done so paying a high price- price in terms of emotions, feelings, love , trust, and even, perhaps, marriage.
How much may one talk about women liberation, independent women, career oriented women, women in all fields, and blah blah blah…but trust me, women are still seen as women, someone who if shows a little flesh is ‘chalu’, who if wears makeup is ‘fashionable’, someone who is seen as a “pataofiable stuff” if she talks to everyone, and someone who is divorced if her husband isn’t there to pick and drop everyday.
Will things ever get better?
