Tough....

This is one peculiar problem that me, and a few of my other married friends are facing day in and day out, in our professional lives. Well, in this post, I am talking about a close friend Z. We were initially colleagues in our hometown for about 2 years, and soon clicked so well that we started sharing our personal spaces as well. Her marriage and my husband’s relocation took us to different cities, far apart, but we still managed to bind ourselves over the cell phones ( aah! Cell phones- the reason to connect, connect to reason). And it so turned out that 5 months post her marriage, she got a job in my office, and she relocated to this City Beautiful, while her husband decided to continue his job back there till he found a new one here.

Now, that she’s putting up on her own, with another close friend, she is often asked what brought her here, if it wasn’t for her husband. Indirectly, people sometimes even go to the extent of asking me if she’s divorced, ‘Know what, someone was telling me that your friend Z is a divorcee, you know her, na, is she really??”. And at such questions, I feel like tearing the guy/girl apart, a dozen local desi GAALIS escape my tongue, and I actually feel the itch in my hand to hit, slap or harm him/her in some way.

But what do I do?? I exclaim, sometimes, exaggerate the exclaim so much, that exclaim exclaims, and turning my big eyes even bigger, I generally retort in these lines: “What the f***? Who the hell told you this crap? She’s happily married, HAPPILY MARRIED, and that’s it….And why cant you guys just Goddamn work???It would do you and this sucking company some good….blah blah blah,…”, till the poor fellow vows never to ask me about anyone again.

No I am not against people asking me things, but what I fail to understand how do people conclude that some one is not doing well in her marriage, or she’s probably divorced, or having an extra martial affair here, or…well all negative and depressing things.

Ok, one might say, since she’s putting up on her own, so she’s facing this. Or one may even exclaim. “why’s she here?”. No sir, the reason is not her career, it’s her responsibility to support her family, and being the eldest of two daughters, she wants to support her family financially. She understands that her husband alone cannot provide for both the families, and she couldn’t find a job in the suburb town her husband’s based. So, does this mean that she doesn’t love her husband? Or her husband is incompetent? Honestly, how many of us can support two families, with one partner working? Of course, unless, you are doing exceptionally well in your trade, and your company is giving you hikes the way stones are scattered on the streets, or else you belong to the rich upper class doing-very-well-business-class-family.

Or maybe, she should retire to her life, her own life being a wife, doting bahu, et al, and leave her parents to survive on their own. Why, she sure can reason it: She’s a Daughter. At times, when she is highly frustrated, depressed, and low, I feel I just can’t help her anyway. She’s tired of being alone on deep, scary nights, she misses the warmth of her husband pressing against her torn skin, she reasons her decision, and weighs it every day.

But, she knows, what she’s doing. And I love her for the same. I can’t tell this to everyone who looks at her with suspicion, but, sometimes, I also feel like asking them, is being divorced such a stigma that people have to whisper in ears spreading the dreaded word?

So many questions run through my mind. It’s so difficult to be a woman, and work. And then it gets worse when you are married, and still pursuing your career. And the situation is blown out of proportions, when you are based away from your husband. And, I somehow am made to believe, all those women who have achieved highly in this world, must have done so paying a high price- price in terms of emotions, feelings, love , trust, and even, perhaps, marriage.

How much may one talk about women liberation, independent women, career oriented women, women in all fields, and blah blah blah…but trust me, women are still seen as women, someone who if shows a little flesh is ‘chalu’, who if wears makeup is ‘fashionable’, someone who is seen as a “pataofiable stuff” if she talks to everyone, and someone who is divorced if her husband isn’t there to pick and drop everyday.

Will things ever get better?

....

The way it is,

The way it never was,

The way it will never be again,

So cherish each moment, live to the fullest, and do not judge anyone on today,

For tomorrow holds a new situation,

Brings in a new perspective,

A new horizon,

A new vision,

Reducing today to

Yesterday


....

On My Way.......

The days are passing by,
Without a thought, without a dream,
The times seem to stop,
Leaving me unseen.

I am bare, and hollow,
Words are deceiving, feelings wane,
I can’t think, can’t procure,
Half empty, half insane.

I am looked upon as a corpse,
Taken as dead,
On my way, however,
Day by day I tread…..
Day by day I tread……

Perhaps.......

I had called her up the other day.
She probably was busy somewhere else so there was the ‘no answer’ message announced by the IVR.
But I had my doubts: was she intentionally not taking my call??

We’d not been talking much off late, or maybe we weren’t talking at all. We are both married now, she married a year and a half later than me, and once she tied the knot, it seemed all other knots she’d tied years before were breaking loose.

I chose not to agree.

Why, I’d married earlier than her, and we used to catch up often, at places which we always thought of having coffees once we started earning ; discussing fashion, jewelry , matrimony, relationships, and let loose our deepest fears and thoughts. We spoke of our feelings, without any qualms of being judged. We confided in each other without hesitation. We knew each other so well that we’d instantly know what is going on behind the skin deep smile. Smiles. We could conclude a situation just by studying the other’s smile for a few seconds. We knew which lines on the face got prominent enough when inside there were thoughts concerning love, fear anxiety, irritation, boys, study, family issues, or just plain fun. We knew the different shades, the unpredictable moods, the hidden desires, and the much-hyped tensions. We could talk endlessly for hours, we could bitch, we never felt the need to ‘ask’ the stereotype ‘wats up??’ question. We ‘were’ in those times, ‘the Bestest Friends.’


Aaah!! Lovely times.

But, it sure hurts when I type ‘were’ instead of ‘are’.

Perhaps, I couldn’t hold on to this because of new responsibilities.
Perhaps, I’d been replaced by people who were more easily and more readily available than me.
Perhaps, she’d found a better friend than me in her husband.
Perhaps, things and relationships change after new people enter our lives.
Perhaps a few minutes a week seem impossible to be spared.
Perhaps, I shouldn’t have waited so long for her, instead should have taken the initiative to start it all over again.

All Over Again.

Sounds nice.
But, how do we inculcate the same old feelings, the trusts, the times, and even ‘us’?

Perhaps, its time to realize:
All Is Over.

Perhaps……

I miss you Moti, and I am not even sure if you will read this,,,,,but I know if you will, I will have a call landing on my number.

...

She knew that things had gone sour between them.
She knew she had reached a break-even point now.
She knew she couldn’t hang onto this relation, this marriage, this man any longer.

She knew, and she well understood this all.

As she decided to pack her bags with the bare minimum of daily necessities, she felt her eyes getting moist. She quickly rubbed her eyes with her hands, something she disliked a lot; even though not even a single tear had left her eyes. She wasn’t going to feel weak this time. No Sir!


She flung all her clothes on the bed, in order to choose what-to-take-and-what- to-leave-behind. Behind. Yes, she would be leaving behind everything concerning her past. Atleast, she thought so.

It was then her sight caught the Pink Sari, it was ‘the’ pink sari because she wore it on her engagement. And, who, other than him, could have gifted her a mystic sequel worked beauty she’d always wanted?

He knew she loved pinks.
And he bought pinks in all forms, shapes, & sizes often.

Again, the moist eyes, the rubbing of eyes, and the insistence of being strong.

Then she had her hands on the white beaded necklace. They had their first pre-martial kiss with this necklace in her neck. Aah! Bliss.
The old cards, with sweet nothings written, the stupid one liners, the shayari, and yes the cute teddy bear.

Something in her made her smile. And all smilingly she put back all her belongings in her closet, rearranging each and every piece of her treasured memories.

The phone rang.

‘Hello?’
‘Honey, I am sorry for the morning…you know I love you…I know I kinda crossed a few limits today, but you know I didn’t mean a word…You know…’

He went on & on.

She cried and never cared to wipe.

as if...

Well, it’s close to 2 months since I have joined this place. And, trust me; it is somehow, bit by bit, getting better. Or maybe, I have changed my perception. And, probably, lowered my expectations to bottom levels from unknown people. I have had lunches sitting alone in secluded corners, in an otherwise jam packed canteen, I have come to terms with my Boss not really taking interest in my work, or my potential, I have concluded that since I am better than the lot around me, so people do not really want to talk to me. I have taken into account the fact that being an outsider without many local contacts also labels me with the ‘alien species’ tag.

So, I’d decided to continue this for as long as a new job doesn’t fall into my lap. No, not as if it’s raining jobs, all that so during recession, when half of the country’s growth has crashed due to kharif’s failure and another half is dependent on rabi. Or maybe, it’s vice versa. I mean, I have got contacts, within the industry, and I happen to know big people who would (at least I perceive) be more than willing to hire me since they have been associated with me professionally in the past, and probably can help me realize my potential to the fullest. (Am I talking too much about potential??!!)

In the mean time, I happened to speak to a colleague of mine, about a little something, and he (out of the blue) turned out to be this polite, nice, and friendly sort of a guy, mind you, these three qualities were like non existent in the world of this new company. Initially, when he greeted me, or generally got into a conversation with me, I used to be somewhat cynical, as whether he has some selfish interests with something concerning me? He’d been kind to ask me for lunch with his pals a few times, sometimes he would ask me if I’d wanted to grab a coffee between schedules, and meanwhile, I’d concluded that he is a genuine person, someone who I could talk to, bitch about colleagues and our bosses, (believe me, he started it all), and laugh away the daily work tensions.

Another good thing: one of my ex colleague and a great friend also joined in another department!!

So now I had company for lunch, there were a few people who smiled at me, another few who liked my work and yet a big lot who took me as superfluous, undesirable competition. A few eyebrows go up when I go past them, a few whispers fade away when I smile at the whisperers, a few rumors are dying away, and others are taking shape.

My bosses sometimes are happy with my work, sometimes discard the most innovative ideas, they like to be nodded every time they open their mouth, and take pleasure in telling me that I am somehow lacking the ‘spark’. If only they knew that the day I shall open my mouth, they’ll be surrounded by fires.

I know, I know, it’s the corporate world after all!! And I have understood a little. I am in a big city, surrounded by big people, with big apprehensions, big egos, and even bigger insecurities. Each and every new thing in the vicinity is taken as a threat to their existence. Their comfort zones get disturbed, and they like to stick to their regular people. They view outsiders as ‘aliens’ and they make every possible attempt to frustrate ‘aliens’ so much so that the ‘alien’ himself feels so much ‘aliened’ that he ends up leaving the job.

I remember one of my ex-bosses telling me once: ‘Be a shark, this is a world of sharks; big sharks are always eating the small ones….’ And as if being a shark was not enough, he added: ‘…with sharp teeth…’

So life, since a last few days, seems to be somewhat back on track.

A new job, and...

25th of June 2009.

My first day at a new job, in a new city.

I entered the office some 10 minutes before time; my preference has always been to be before time, in all the 4 years that I have been working. I stole a quick glance at the big three buildings that made up the premises of my new workplace. It sure was huge, and since I come from a small town Shimla, it had me somehow fascinated.

As I drew closer to the reception gate, I got somewhat nervous; I belong to the slightly introvert family of people, I don’t really like to mingle with people first and then realize that they are not “My Types”, and consequently get to thinking of ways to avoid them. I take my own sweet time, observe people around me, and then choose the best possible option(s) amongst the lot. This leaves me alone, secluded and isolated in new places for some good period of time. Though I have told myself many times that it will not harm me in anyway to be friends with everyone, something in me, however, always pulls me back.

As such, I greeted the young girl at the reception, and told her that it was my joining today. She flashed me a smile, which was dry in some way, and told me to go to the HR department on the second floor. ‘Please don’t enter any cabins other than HR’, she said in a warning tone.
Warned me. Gosh!

As I climbed up the stairs, I realized that the stairs ended on the first floor, and then there were three huge sections of halls. I looked towards my right, and then left, and straight, and somehow figured I should go straight. I did, only to find out that amongst a hundred odd people sitting there nobody would really bother if I am unable to find someone I need to meet in an office. I asked altogether 3 of my prospective colleagues, who, without lifting either their eyes off the monitor or their hands off the keyboards told me ‘HR is on the second floor’.
Aww. As if I didn’t know this.

‘What I am asking is the way’, I retorted to one of them.

‘Second floor Ma’am.’

I then decided to go back to the reception and called up the HR Head, and told him that I am unable to find the way to his cabin, and that if he could send an office boy to take me through to him, it would be great help.

So, finally I had a blue shirt dressed office boy escorting me to the HR.

And, at last I found myself filling in the joining docket. There were no Hi’s or Hello’s, no one even bothered that a new joinee has come, and I struggled all alone through the confusing clauses of the docket.
I knew now that nobody is welcome here.

Nobody is bothered.

This was one situation of awkwardness I had never found myself in. Prior to this job, I have worked with 2 MNCs, same industry. I wouldn’t say I was all that welcome, owing to a little out-of-place face, but yes, people greeted a new comer warmly, and at least were happy to help with routine works, and general inquisitive questions. I cannot remember a single incident where I might have seen a new joinee so uncomfortable with things happening around him, as I was. I looked at almost everyone sitting on the floor, hoping that at least one person would show a little concern, without any success.
Now, after some two hours, the HR head, along with an assistant, congratulated me on joining, and told the assistant to show me around and finally lead me to the AVP’s cabin whom I were to report. He led me, at his own pace, without giving me much time even to look around. Anyways, after a small introduction, my Boss started showing the launch status, the preliminary planning details, and the innumerable presentations. Now that it was Lunch Time, though I presume he must have been hungry so as to declare that ‘since its time for lunch, you must have it’ kind of thing.

Somehow, actually somehow, I managed to control my irritability over all the things, stupid and unnecessary around me. I knew that once I blow off the lid, I’d not be stopped easily, and I didn’t want to create a scene on the first day at work. I was told to ‘spend time’ with a counterpart handling the same profile on another product, so as to make myself aware of the processes and businesses here. Now, (this is not out of pure frustration), this colleague of mine, had an irritating touch to his tone, voice, looks, in addition to his irritating behavior, and asking lengthy questions was another thing that he had to his credit. I was pissed off, for obvious reasons, and it seemed like as if this was another interview round in this ‘esteemed organization.’ My woes did not end here, as my being an AM in four years was taken in ‘derogatory’ terms with this fellow, since after 8 years of slugging in the same organization he had just been promoted to the same level a week ago. Now, what I wanted to ask this ‘snailish’ fellow was, ‘Is it my fault that you haven’t grown all these years?’. For obvious reasons, I didn’t get to ask.
So, with a lot of reservations, apprehensions, tensions, and suspicions, I passed the rest of the day in utter confusion, with no one, believe me, no one telling me anything about anything, just sitting beside the snailish colleague of mine, watching him doing silly things, and avoiding his silly questions, and trying not to be frustrated, or more aptly, discouraged with the current set of events happening around and with me. Ahh!!
Sharp 6:15 p.m. and already some 50% of the people had packed up for the day. And, since, practically, there was nothing to do, actually nothing to do, i picked up my bag, and out of sheer protocol said Bye to the Snail.
Second day is another story.