It's all about ME!

The SAD FIRST Time...

2011-09-19T05:21:00.000-07:00

‘Naah’, she said to herself after trying the sleeveless pink top. She looked too ‘babyish’ in it, and she’d heard from her friends that she looks like a kiddo with pink-on. ‘Skip that’, and she tried on the red, waist length, just above her navel, and just deep enough to show her cleavage in an interesting way. Well, she did look hot, she smiled at herself in the mirror. She did her eyes smoky black, wore a lustrous gloss, and tinted her cheeks a bit red. Her fair skin had responded well to the red black color combination; her hair were open, just the way he liked them. He? Well her boyfriend for two years now, and it was his birthday today, the eighteenth birthday. That explains the dress, and all that make-up? Well, yes it does, most of the part, except that she’d do promised him that on this day, both of them will loose their virginity to each other. And, they’d planned it tonight, after the treats were done, in the park behind her hostel, beneath a widely spread shadow of trees.

She cast a long, lasting look at herself in the mirror, admiring her, and wondering how he would react on seeing her. She was slim, and on many occasions she’d felt that her frame fit perfectly into his arms, and when he’d whispered “ Ria, I feel like tasting every inch of you ‘, in her ears one night during an intimate scene a movie they’d gone to see together, she’d imagine every bit of her naked flesh being tasted by him. She’d wanted to tell him so, but she remained calm, and soon after, when he asked her how did she plan her birthday, she revealed how she wanted to live that line he’d said that day.

At precisely quarter to nine, she stepped out of her room, all perfumed, and in high spirits. She waited for him at the back gate, and smsed her friend, where he was to drop her after the act; that she’d left the hostel, and will call her once they are done. Her friend replied with, ‘hump his brains out, all the best for the first time...Yipeee!!’, encouraging her more.

Exactly 5 minutes later, he arrived at the gate. Moonlight, reds, passion and a glimpse of cleavage, made a deadly combination for him. He held her hand, she smiled, they both seemed so sure of themselves, lost in the world of fantasies and unknown ecstasies oh physical contacts, that even the 10 minutes walk getting to the decided ‘spot’ seemed like a million years walk. ‘Hey, did you get that’, she whispered. ‘What? The condoms?? Oh yes, I have, and Kunal has even told me how to go about it,’ he winked at her. The night seemed perfect, she’d dreamt her man making love to her on a clear, starlit night, with only the moon as the light on her body. ‘Perfect, I love you’, she told him, just as he pressed his lips on her bare shoulder. They looked for a soft spot in the lights of their cellphones, and before they could settle for one, she felt his hands running up her waist. A hundred butterflies cropped in her stomach, she felt her eyes close as he undid those buttons......

‘Kaun hai wahan?’
Arey kaun hai wahan?

The watchman, obviously, way older than both of them, took no more than a few seconds to judge where this was going.

He got up, being the man, and it took the watchman a gentle hit or two on his head with the lantern to make him lie down. She knew not where her phone was, she knew he was smiling hard at her and the light grew stronger and brighter on her body. She now understood why this man seemed to be so nice to them whenever they sat in the shades of the trees on their dates for long hours. He was, she concluded there and then trespassing them. And he always dismissed the watchman’s ogling eyes for her as mere misunderstanding.

The old man ripped the unhooked buttons, feasted on the tender body with his beedi smelling mouth, felt the unexplored areas, and after about half an hour, glanced a dirty look on her face. She did not shout, for she’d have to explain many a people what she was doing with her friend here at such an odd hour of the night. Teenage is confusing, you want to do things that you aren’t supposed to, and then when you are there, you want to hide it from the world. Tears were her only solace, and she let them out freely. Some time after he’d gone, she gathered her loose clothes, cared no more for him, and got on her heels. Her body did not suffer many wounds, her clothes weren’t torn, but her soul was ripped off into pieces.. She wondered what she’d tell her friend, and the smoky, beautiful eyes a few hours before, turned empty and sore for the better part of her life.

Emptiness Within....

2011-07-26T05:36:00.000-07:00

I laugh heartily,
I make myself heard,
I smile often,
And talk aloud.
I eclipse myself in sands of pretention,
Hiding myself in an invisible cloud,
Layers of deception,
Loosing myself in the crowds.

My fears scare me,
And the loneliness inside me grows,
My wounds pain, and the scars tease,
And I wonder, how many more blows?

Somewhere inside me,
Like a conjoined twin,
All I can feel is
Emptiness Within….

A Glance At A Lifetime.......

2011-07-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

In the rocking chair, which is almost as old as me, or possibly older, I try to think that I am not dying. I look at the wrinkled skin on my hands and feet, and the receding flesh on them, shouts back to me, that I, I am just a matter of days now. Death, eventually, has struck me – not that I didn’t want it now, but how I had lived a lifetime, with instances of thinking and wishing for my death much more than thanking God ever for giving me life.

The tragedy with Death is, it doesn’t envelope you the way you want it to – sudden and instantaneous. Instead, it gives us all a lifetime to think about, to feel sorry, and to justify the wrongdoings, and to indulge in self appreciation of some deeds worthwhile, atleast from the thinker’s perspective. My eyes heaved down under the thought, my eyes - the once big, attractive eyes had now ceased to be a pair of small openings with graying eye balls and a spectacle over them. Tears, however, still rolled on, easily and swiftly, though now sometimes they would hang a little in the wrinkles of my face. Generally, as it had become a routine now, I started with my childhood memories. Childhood Memories, wherein I found myself the most innocent, and the most vulnerable. The follies that those years had witnessed seemed guiltless and naïve, and even now, without fail, ran a shrill smile on my curved lips, once so full of color and fervor.

Wandering further, I found myself being clutched in the hands of lust, love, greed, power, success and money. Lying and pretention came easily to me, I wouldn’t think twice before hurting people around me, my tongue seemed to have grown poisonous arrows that I would use as a final weapon to my victory. Yes, at the end only victory mattered to me. I did gain attention, for I had a face and an attitude to match, and I made use of that undue attention to gain further prospects. I looked down upon myself, a simple grey colored gown! Ha! Just a simple cloth was what I needed to cover myself, and all my life I ransacked stores after stores to find that ‘perfect fit’. I was successful, yes, for if you measured success in terms of the package I carried home as my ‘Take-Home’, I’d certainly did well. Though, I happened to write less, paint even rarely, and compose only to remind myself that I could. I could never be a writer, like I’d always wanted to, neither could I paint a canvas, so much so as I’d promised in my younger years, and never ever composed a song, much unlike the days when I was young.

Promises of loyalty and faithfulness became statements of utter blatant lies. Loved ones, (If I really loved them), were left behind in the race. I had mastered the art of pretention, and could weave out deceitful stories in minutes. Now, though, I had difficulty even in remembering the names of my kids; I reminisced over how I would build in characters after characters in my woven net of lies and deceit. All I ran after were my desires, the need to have money, to flaunt good clothes, the desire to be touched, and the need to be fed and cared about. I invested in relationships, but relationships need a solid foundation to whither storms of life, and when my existence itself was a lie, my relationships crushed into pieces at the slightest tremor of a blizzard.

Lonely and desperate situations made it all the more compulsory for me to keep me occupied, unlike the days today when I spend hours in this chair, doing absolutely nothing. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and all such things came in handy when the tensions of work and personal life built walls around me. Wonder how a cloud of smoke and a glass of Vodka could make these walls disappear, atleast for the eyes and a part of the mind. I smiled at the thought of Vodka, in mango juice, for it still had some tantalizing effect on me, though its been long since my lips got to touch it. Married, yes I was married, to some extent forcefully, to the man who rarely said that he loved me, but whose eyes had the look that said he did. He was totally unlike me, all silent and secretive, and where my life was an open book that could be read by anyone, his was a mystery to me. He wouldn’t confess, he wouldn’t lie. All he did was touch me somewhere so deep, that I agreed to spend my life with him. Little, little did I know what love was, and little did I imagine his love for me. He came into my life, like a cool breeze, his presence around calmed my senses, I learned to communicate more without using the tongue, and I felt peace in his arms that held me every night , to this day of my life. Did I blush, @ 73?

He changed me, or maybe I changed myself to match him. I longed for him in a way that can’t quite be explained, and he restrained himself if I’d had anything that he considered not good for me. He knew his power over me, and I knew that I didn’t mind losing to him. Finally, I relieved myself of victory, in losing all of myself to him. Yes, I changed as a person. My mind was suddenly light, and I did away with my occasional cravings for smoke. Though he still spoke less, I would know what was going through his mind when he would touch me. That made up for most of our communication.

A lifetime with this man had given me two kids, a few books written by me, some canvas with colors spread over, and some compositions exclusively for him. A life that had begun to rot and rut, had towards the end seen the light of her own aura. If ever I thanked God, it was for him.

‘Chai’, he whispered in my ears as the tray was laid in the table separating the two of us, across the verandah. It is difficult to say If I had loved someone, or even if I understood what love was, but yes, this man who’s making tea for me here today, definitely knows about it. I closed my eyes, and his weak hands touched my forehead to see if I’d be running a fever. I knew this was it. And I released myself, finally, and united with the universe……

The AfterMath.......

2011-07-03T02:31:00.000-07:00

She pushed her eyes close, but sleep would still deceive her. Allegations, and accusations, thrown to her hit her like burning arrows, cutting through her, making her all the more vulnerable, so much so, that she knew sleep would win, another battle. To put in other words, she would loose, yet again.
She wondered who started it off in the first place. And then why did she let out her deepest fears and secrets to them? Alcohol dashed with emotions is a dangerous thing, she’d learnt it long before, but probably forgotten the lesson.
God, let me sleep…Today….
I will deal with this tomorrow.
She’d faced her biggest fears today. Not even once did she let her eyes off the speakers who took their turns to tell her what and how things should be done. Tricky games, they played on and on, and each passing second, her past came haunting up to her, biting its teeth into her soft flesh, making her shed a tear here and there. They knew her no more than what she knew them , yet they had created something in their perceptions that was probably unlike her. She wished someone would stop, somewhere, surely, none of them would breach a level. But no, they did. What started off as a stupid sounding game, turned into a reality checkpoint show. She had failed someone, maybe repeatedly, and she dreaded to hear things about her, that were unfortunately true, yet, superficial. As she pulled herself close, she heard them arguing over her circumstances, present and past, and the irony was that she wasn’t a part of those discussions about her. ‘Did they know my part of the story, or they just pulled all the strings together on their own to make bow and flung burning arrows at her?’ Did she smile? She pulled up all her courage in the world, and though she tried hard to forget the night never did happen, somewhere, some words, stung her like a cobra’s bite, poisoning her entire self, her entire being, questioning her existence, and possibly her deeds.
Humans are a strange race. For I, am aware of what and where I lack, but I never prefer it to come to me by anyone else. Not in a night like this.
Someone said they wished to see me and him happy, forever, (though I doubt the integrity of the word ‘forever’, it more or less implies ‘fictitious’); yet the sincerity of the speaker drifted her mind away from the use of the chosen word. Someone else wished the same, but whether it was the alcohol or something else, that she possibly couldn’t understand fully, he wanted her to quit, quit something that could harm her, “No cigarettes ever, no nicotine in any form”. She wondered what made him say so. She wondered if she needed so many approvals to light a butt. To take a puff, deep, so deep that she would cough for the next half an hour. Well, she knew it was the most polite of their ways to say that, yet somewhere it hurt her. Someone mentioned her being way low than what had been expected, after they’d heard my stories. Stories. Like what? Her eyes searched for a pair that would have said ‘You are perfect, perfect in all ways’. No, this imaginary set of eyes didn’t exist. She smiled. Someone mentioned the hardships that lay in the front, taking care to view the situation from one angle, yet making statements on her. Stating, how hard life must have been to her. How long she’d been smiling, she knew not. Did she need that appreciation certificate?
Beds. I always change sides when sleep deceives me, thinking perhaps on one of the entourages, it will enter my eyes thinking I am someone else. And that side would be preferred the next night. And the next, till sleep gets my game, and then I would explore the bed yet again.
She felt the need to clarify her actions, and justify her steps, right or wrong. Why did she need the approval of others, she couldn’t really make out. Whether it was alcohol or was it her deep rooted hurt, she didn’t know, but when she heard that voice taking her name, in the most informal manner, stating that ‘I’d be forever around’; she blurted. As I said, the word, though fictitious, associates with itself having dreadful impacts, perhaps like this one. She said something he never liked hearing, just the way she didn’t like mentioning it. Something dark, something rave, yet something that was the reason of her being here. She went on, after he was done, and let out her story, the way it was to her. Scary, torturous, and uncertain, lost in the unknown, amongst the known. There was no need. She didn’t need to. Infact, she shouldn’t have let it out.
Justifications are a waste of time, and emotions. They call for unwanted bouts of self appraisal, and self reprimandations. Pity. I hadn’t still learnt her lessons. Perhaps, there were more chapters to be unfolded.
Just after she spat out, she felt naked. She wanted to escape, away, and her wounds drew fresh cuts. The stupid after remarks felt like salt, only making the pain much more unbearable. She wanted herself, with her, in the perfectly imperfect world of her own. She screamed she wanted to go, for she knew they wouldn’t let her, not at this hour of the night. The night was almost dead, and her fears had come to life yet again, mocking her from all possible corners, and the only way they could do it in a callous way was being with her, alone and vulnerable. ‘My fate is such, that my fears will rearrange the chemistry of the universe, so that I could be cut, bled, and stung’. She was home.
Switch side, I said to myself, tears didn’t scare me anymore, what scared me was something inside of me. I begged sleep to envelope me, and like everyone else, it had its conditions. ‘I will, enter your eyes through the sides’, it said, ‘but the centre of the canvas will be painted in the colors of the night’. Devious. I know.

In Search....

2011-05-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

I am not sure where I am going, or where is my destination,
Am wondering what I am looking for, I need some explanation,
I am confused, and insecure, I don’t have a clear path,
I feel lost and uncertain, filled with tears and uncalled wrath,
I am unknown to the world, I can’t even say if I know me,
I am looking for answers, to the questions I myself build,
I am driving down a road, and can’t say if its right,
I am standing up for something, not sure if it deserves a fight,
Where have I landed myself, I know not,
Where I am headed, I haven’t yet thought,
Am I over, and all is lost?
Is this a beginning, or a full stop?

Somewhere, It Rained....

2011-04-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

He hadn’t changed in his looks at all- contrary to what she’d expected.
She skipped a beat.
She had instead put on some weight, dark circles under her eyes, and pessimism around her persona.

She weighed herself against him.

Somewhere outside, the breeze sung a song; she knew she’d heard it before, long,long ago.

He held her tender fingers, sending shivers down her body, his eyes held hers, and his lips moved closer to her hands. As his lips touched her palm, she gasped for breath, her eyes closed, half with pleasure, and half with the pain that the callous world had given her. She felt like she’s melting, and how she wanted him to hold her.

He pulled her close, ran his fingers through her hair, touched her cheek, and pressed his lips against hers, slowly now; withdrawing then; again and again, before giving her a passionate, lasting sensation of ecstasy.

Outside somewhere, the music began loud, the winds murmured.

She let the passion and love, held so long in their hearts, flow freely. She dropped a tear here, and he swore her name, they dived into each other, the times came to a stand, the hearts stopped beating; the feelings knew no bounds, and they’d defined no boundaries…..

Yet, the winds turned crazy, the music played loud, and somewhere, it rained.

Blue and Black

2011-03-18T02:21:00.000-07:00

She crumpled the sixth piece of paper.

Why was it so hard to tell him that yes, it is over between them?

The ink, she thought, yes the ink, why is it blue? I always write with black. Where is it?
A fresh piece of paper, and black ink, she began to think how to start.

Dear X,

There are so many things that I wish we would have discussed face to face, but your busy schedule….
He is home on time, always.

Well, if you think I am just another maid in your house to take care of your house,….
Was he dusting the house yesterday?

I hate to be cooking for you all the time, when all you do…..
Wasn’t the chicken she had last Monday cooked by him?

I am sick of you watching TV all the time, especially the action packed movies….
No, can’t be, she just watched Dragon Island day before yesterday.

I am not a laundry guy, why can’t you do your own…..
Seems like he ironed the clothes for her a few days ago.

How long have I been telling you to get me those diamond studs, but….
He promised, they would be hers next month.

Crumpled again.

Leave it, she thought, seems like there’s still something between us.
She washed the veggies, and started to think what should she cook for him for dinner……

I am a PROUD WOMAN

2011-03-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

I don’t need to shout to make myself heard,
I don’t use inappropriate words.
I can make statements with just a glance of an eye,
I am strong, yet it takes a little to make me cry.
I like things tidy and clean,
I face reality, doesn’t mean I don’t dream
I can manage a job and a home,
Without having you say ‘I’m awesome’.
I am quiet, I am shy,
If need be, I can also defy.
I don’t get into fights, I am not loud,
Yet I am someone, you will always be proud.
Yes, I am a woman, I can take it all,
I can be the Goddess, or Just a Doll,
I am the power, I am the reason,
Yes, I am a PROUD WOMAN.

I am......

2011-03-01T01:29:00.000-08:00

I am the Dream,
And the Inspiration,
I am the World,
The Creation.

I am the Universe,
The entire System,
I am the Future,
And the Vision,
I am the Faith,
The Aspiration,
I am the Power,
The Triumph,
I am the Struggle,
The Survivor,
I am the Mistake
The Forgiven,
I am the Greed,
The Satisfaction,
I am the Occasion,
The Celebration,
I am the Love,
The Passion,
I am the Warmth,
The Obsession,
I am the Peace,
The Salvation.

I am the Dream,
The Inspiration.
I am the World,
The Creation……

Immature @ 28

2011-02-05T22:22:00.000-08:00

Well, it that time of the year yet again. But I guess it is different this time. Gone are the days when I would be so excited for it, and the plans would be all set something like 3 weeks before the day. Friends and cousins would call and ask me if there is something special that I would want from them. And yes, when the phones were not so much in place, and we had to queue up awaiting our turns on the PP numbers (we all had these PP numbers, yeah!!) to talk, somewhat in code words, and try our best to put the message across the other side, effectively. And be nervous if the friend has understood that the ‘umm’ I said to something she asked was actually a ‘no’.

Yes, those were the days. Days when my friends would turn up on this day at my place early in the morning. Warm hugs, and cold weather, made for a deadly combination. The sweetnothings and the wonderful wishes. Those lovely cards with a prose or two, handwritten and self composed. The symbols signifying our friendship and the group union. The friendship quotes, something like ‘ Some like blue ship, some like red ship, I like One ship, that is friendship’.
Sometimes, fresh flowers were put inside the card, so that the flowers would fall on me when the card would be opened. And then the grand luncheons, @ home, sponsored by Maa...The Gajar ka Halwa, and the masala chai. The evening on the Mall, in the freezing cold, hands in hands, and the warm Gulabjamuns with Ice Cream...Yay!! Nostalgic....
And then, we grew up. Busy lives, hectic schedules, and deadlines to be met. Thank God for the incoming free mobile technology, a few bucks and wishes still flowed. The cards did stop, and so did the flowers. Once long PP conversations shrunk to short calls and forwarded SMSes. Friends gave way to boyfriends, and I don’t really remember the last Gulab Jamun Ice Cream combination I had with my friends. No more guys walked upto me on this day, with a pretext of initiating a conversation. The day was spent in pieces, half in office, and half with the guy I thought I’d get married to. It was still better.
With me and the rest of my friends married now, the calls have gotten fewer, all thanks to the Facebooks and the Twitters. One line messages generally mean that you are still thought of. The excitement has lost its hold to important issues – more so budgetary. The gifts have grown bigger in size and value, but the feelings are forced, or so I conceive. And, on this 8th, when I shall be turning 28, I happen to be lonely than ever – and perhaps, make way for more lonelier days to come. The most mature decision, to let go of forced relationships and friendships, to pause and think where my life’s taking me, and give a new start, to think and act, immaturely to others, but most mature to me.

I am turning immature @ 28, by taking the most mature decisions of my life. And that too, all alone and by myself.

Time BEHOLD

2011-01-31T23:02:00.000-08:00

For the stories untold,
Dreams long lost,
For those hidden desires,
And unsung songs,
The ambitions forgotten,

Wishes never answered,
Requests ignored,.

And adjustment pacts,
Compromising situation,
Forgetting self,
Needless explanations,
The long fights,
And sad conditions.

Time behold,
I am scared no more,
I have the vision,
To make my dreams come true.

Time behold,
For no more regrets
Just the will to stride,
And do more than survive

Time Behold…………...

Rebirth

2011-01-23T08:29:00.000-08:00

I flew where the winds would take me,
Crying on the wounds that the world inflicted on my soul,
I waited for someone to call after me.
I searched in others.
My strength to overcome my fears and doubts.
I looked past me for solutions,
I depended on others for my decisions,
Then hung on those, which were wrong.
I ignored my inner self,
And turned a blind eye to my intuition.

Once, just once, I looked inside me,
And resisted being blown
I mustered courage to say ‘NO’
Gave no space to apprehensions,
I had to look for my strength,
I realized it could only be Me.
I rose up to stand
To stand by Me.
Everything
Every damn thing
Begins and ends with Me being Me.
I had taken Birth
Yet Again…..

Words Do Speak Louder Than Actions

2011-01-18T21:32:00.000-08:00

She looked at her 2 year old daughter yet again; beautiful, big brown eyes, white as milk complexion, strands of curly, golden hair, and the pinkish-soft skin. She was the one who had held her mother for these 4 years of marriage (if that is what you call a man’s right to torture his lesser-known, hardly understood better half).

She’d been married for four years now. No, it wasn’t a forced marriage – they had met while she was on training in Mumbai. He’d been introduced to her as the Manager, Training Cell. There was something about his look, the way he talked to her, and smiled continuously. In the party that night, he’d asked her to dance with him, and as the words Nothing Gonna Change My Love for you engulfed every person in love that night, he whispered in her ears – “Marry Me,… I will love you the rest of my life” .

She put on her favorite jeans and top. She dressed her daughter in a pink frock, with silver frills. Boy she sure looked like a doll. Her innocent looks and the sounds of Mamma, mama, did nothing to alter her decision. She was always quick in deciding.

She was surprised and happy at the same time. Less than 12 hours of meeting someone landed her in answering the question that would determine her future life. After some weeks of speculation, a “Yes” was the only word she could think of, Why, she’d known by now that he comes from a reputed family of Delhi, earned well, and seemed pleasant. Not long after, they were married.

She reminisced over the lost times as her eyes caught her big diamond on her ring finger. She’d loved it. She laughed how many times he’d mentioned to her how much he spent for this ring. And not another gift followed for the next 4 years of their marriage. No. he occasionally took her shopping for the bare minimum necessities, though more to insult her choice of colors, designs and styles; bursting her into tears at almost all the stores. She soon took to shopping less than ever.

In order to be in Mumbai with him, she’d left her job, though more because he promised he would get her a job soon in Mumbai, and the idea of partners working in different cities didn’t really appeal to him. “Money isn’t everything, honey”, he’d say.

And,he never seemed to comply with what he said.

She couldn’t find a job; some were refused owing to the travel time involved (‘Who will cook the dinner, sweety?”), others because he thought the boss had an air of cheapness around him (“Did you notice how he stared at you?”) Some were not “respectable enough” (“Do you really think this job fits you being a Graduate?”) “Why the hell do you put on so much make-up? Cant you do without your damned kajal? You think you are a Model or what?” So on and so forth.

That’s why the jeans and the sleeveless top.
That’s why the light pink gloss on her lips and the blush on her cheeks.

Frustration in her was building up. It soon managed its way to crawl in their marriage. Frequent fights soon turned ugly. He’d never harmed her physically, but his words often wounded her much more. Everytime she asked him to take her out, he was busy. She asked him to pick his towel from the bathroom, or arranging his closet, he’d retort “Why?? You are free the whole day; can’t you even arrange my stuff? He’d be out with his friends often and many a times she knew he was lying when he said he was in office.
By an year, she was so tired of looking for a job, that she withdrew from the idea. He was pleased or so she thought. “I must make up for the lost love in us; I should give a sincere try”
That night, as he sat to a table of his choicest favorites, she mentioned to him she’d like to plan for a baby. Boy, he sure was excited. But not for long. His lackluster attitude, the careless behavior, rude words, insulting nature, and above all his all-of-a-sudden-I-am-the-best-husband only made the pregnancy worst for her. He wanted her to switch on and switch off as he pleased. She could never be familiar with his mood swings, one moment he’s the perfect husband, other he’d shout at her, insult her, call names to her family, speak in the most undignified languages of all times. She’d had enough, she thought to herself. She packed her bags, picked her few months old daughter, and declared, “I am left with no choice but to leave you”. He locked her. Made frantic calls to the families, embarrassed her, almost begged her not to leave, successfully. He was as good with his words as he was bad with them.

This time, she’d not bothered to him her plan. She’d ironed his clothes, passed him the towel, picked up his laundry, made him breakfast which wasn’t good enough as per him, packed his lunch, and bade him Goodbye, just as always. She did smile wryly many times, but he’d left noticing her years ago.

She could never have a decent conversation with him – he had an habit of drawing conclusions on his own. He never really let her speak, only made her listen. She could never touch his emotional side, if there was one. For him, a conversation was always about blaming her, making fun of her, ascertaining her faults and sometimes comparison with others. She herself took not to voicing her feelings soon after.

And, now, she will probably never need to speak. She held out the chocolate to her daughter. Both of them dug in the bar together. They had done this often. The little girl smiled and laughed, she loved her mom sharing the chocolate. She laughed and cried at the same time because she knew it was the last time they were doing so. Soon enough, the laughter and the tears died away. An eerie silence followed.

Domestic violence is not always physical. Sometimes, the violence can only be felt and heard. Words speak louder than Actions, sometimes.

Learn to Appreciate the Little Things in Life

2011-01-17T23:41:00.000-08:00

They say that ‘The most small and neglected things in life, are generally the ones that are of great importance”. Well, indeed, this small line in itself speaks a million words, and sparks off a thousand thoughts in a conscious mind. Not many are aware that the secret to living a life full of joy and satisfaction, lies in appreciating the little things that life has to offer. The greatness does not lie in getting the huge pay cheque, with no time to spare for your family, but it lies in attaining the supreme pleasures of smelling the flowers, playing with your 2 year old, spending relaxed moments with your wife by just listening to her words, surprising your Mom with the drive she always wanted in your big car, and going on a walk with your Dad on a beautiful morning.

Someone has remarked, ‘A man is nothing in himself”. Every ounce of flesh and blood in our body is either out of debt, or an award of somebody else’s actions. Thus, it would not be incorrect to say that a man cannot alone architect his destiny. He needs this constant voice of a loved one that encourages him, tells him he’s going to win, he will pass the odds, and success will fall his way. Some may argue, loners too make for impeccable success. Well, I’d still believe, that no man on his own can create his destiny – a mentor, guide, critic, someone has to be behind the success. And as soon he becomes successful, he finds it hard to share the triumph. He calls it his own win. All other things and people seem a rank below. Dejection takes its course towards the most important people. The happiness lies in seeking bigger successes. And, yes ignorance towards people is bliss!!

Once we start attaining the bigger things in life, a lot of us think of small things in our lives as useless and unnecessary. Why, how many times do we thank our mom’s for cooking us a sumptuous dinner? Or the friend who drove all the way from one end of the city to pick us up on a rainy day?
Its not that we don’t feel the effort, the feelings behind the effort, but its just that we are too engrossed with the bigger issues of our life that we tend to overlook these minute little things a bit so often that we end up taking people, places, and their efforts for granted. And that is how we ourselves isolate so much from the lives of our loved one, leaving a vacuum in their lives, a vacuum that they will gradually fill with either someone else, or replace it with useless indulgencies, unnecessary shopping sprees, and in some extreme cases by liquor, drugs or perhaps infidelity.

If we could learn to celebrate the smaller things if life, we would make up for the bigger triumphs.

Well, it would not be inappropriate to quote Vincent Van Gogh here,
"Great things are done by a series of small things brought together."

I Am What I Chose To Be

2011-01-15T02:40:00.001-08:00

I have often found myself wondering as to how my life or the lives of the others around me would have been shaped had I made, or not made certain decisions. Would things all around still be the same? There are not much regrets, but a voice in my head that raises its ugly sound whenever I am confronted with difficult situations. I often trace the cause of the problem to its roots, and the roots are nothing but certain misjudged, misinterpreted, or misled steps, that seemed so right at that time.

Whenever I am involved so much in this argument with the little voice, I compare what I am today, to what I could have been had I chosen X over Y. The answer is also not comforting. Where I yearn for some things to remain constant, even if I’d chosen X over Y, I also want to get rid of certain others. Seems like I am never in a perfect situation, with the perfect people, and the result is that I am leading a totally imperfect life. Sad!!

But then, who has been blessed with a perfect life. I think, and I want to believe - no one. Probably, the happiest people are the ones who make their lives so near to perfect by finding perfection in every imperfection, a smile in every tear, a joy in every despair, a challenge in every solution. For they are the people who actually live life, and set others thinking as to how their lives turn out to be all good from the worse. Life sure offers us many choices, time to time, and if we can’t remain faithful even to the choices that we ourselves make, how can we expect any one, be it people, time or even God to be on our side? Taking responsibility for our decisions and taking the onus for the same is the first step towards happiness, for we will then have no one but us ourselves shaping our lives, with a firm belief that I am what I chose to be.

So from now on, I have decided to include this “faithfulness” towards me first, and then turn to others…..

Revisting Myself!!

2011-01-14T04:23:00.000-08:00

Better late then never, says an old proverb. Well, I am putting this into use here since after much afterthought I have decided to set my blog rolling yet again, with a resolution of keeping it running for a long time to come.

Not only this, in this post, I am going to mention all the New Year Resolutions that I intend to carry on for atleast a quarter of an year. Ahh!! Slow and steady wins the race!! The likes of losing weight, controlling on my anger , mangaging my frequent mood swings et al. i know the list seems endless!

I m certainly slow, for it took me more than a year to realize that I do want to write somewhere, vent my thoughts, clear my veins, and above all be happy about doing something I have always loved : typing on MS Word!!

Bestes to Me!!

Tough....

2009-10-02T04:59:00.000-07:00

This is one peculiar problem that me, and a few of my other married friends are facing day in and day out, in our professional lives. Well, in this post, I am talking about a close friend Z. We were initially colleagues in our hometown for about 2 years, and soon clicked so well that we started sharing our personal spaces as well. Her marriage and my husband’s relocation took us to different cities, far apart, but we still managed to bind ourselves over the cell phones ( aah! Cell phones- the reason to connect, connect to reason). And it so turned out that 5 months post her marriage, she got a job in my office, and she relocated to this City Beautiful, while her husband decided to continue his job back there till he found a new one here.

Now, that she’s putting up on her own, with another close friend, she is often asked what brought her here, if it wasn’t for her husband. Indirectly, people sometimes even go to the extent of asking me if she’s divorced, ‘Know what, someone was telling me that your friend Z is a divorcee, you know her, na, is she really??”. And at such questions, I feel like tearing the guy/girl apart, a dozen local desi GAALIS escape my tongue, and I actually feel the itch in my hand to hit, slap or harm him/her in some way.

But what do I do?? I exclaim, sometimes, exaggerate the exclaim so much, that exclaim exclaims, and turning my big eyes even bigger, I generally retort in these lines: “What the f***? Who the hell told you this crap? She’s happily married, HAPPILY MARRIED, and that’s it….And why cant you guys just Goddamn work???It would do you and this sucking company some good….blah blah blah,…”, till the poor fellow vows never to ask me about anyone again.

No I am not against people asking me things, but what I fail to understand how do people conclude that some one is not doing well in her marriage, or she’s probably divorced, or having an extra martial affair here, or…well all negative and depressing things.

Ok, one might say, since she’s putting up on her own, so she’s facing this. Or one may even exclaim. “why’s she here?”. No sir, the reason is not her career, it’s her responsibility to support her family, and being the eldest of two daughters, she wants to support her family financially. She understands that her husband alone cannot provide for both the families, and she couldn’t find a job in the suburb town her husband’s based. So, does this mean that she doesn’t love her husband? Or her husband is incompetent? Honestly, how many of us can support two families, with one partner working? Of course, unless, you are doing exceptionally well in your trade, and your company is giving you hikes the way stones are scattered on the streets, or else you belong to the rich upper class doing-very-well-business-class-family.

Or maybe, she should retire to her life, her own life being a wife, doting bahu, et al, and leave her parents to survive on their own. Why, she sure can reason it: She’s a Daughter. At times, when she is highly frustrated, depressed, and low, I feel I just can’t help her anyway. She’s tired of being alone on deep, scary nights, she misses the warmth of her husband pressing against her torn skin, she reasons her decision, and weighs it every day.

But, she knows, what she’s doing. And I love her for the same. I can’t tell this to everyone who looks at her with suspicion, but, sometimes, I also feel like asking them, is being divorced such a stigma that people have to whisper in ears spreading the dreaded word?

So many questions run through my mind. It’s so difficult to be a woman, and work. And then it gets worse when you are married, and still pursuing your career. And the situation is blown out of proportions, when you are based away from your husband. And, I somehow am made to believe, all those women who have achieved highly in this world, must have done so paying a high price- price in terms of emotions, feelings, love , trust, and even, perhaps, marriage.

How much may one talk about women liberation, independent women, career oriented women, women in all fields, and blah blah blah…but trust me, women are still seen as women, someone who if shows a little flesh is ‘chalu’, who if wears makeup is ‘fashionable’, someone who is seen as a “pataofiable stuff” if she talks to everyone, and someone who is divorced if her husband isn’t there to pick and drop everyday.

Will things ever get better?

....

2009-09-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

The way it is,

The way it never was,

The way it will never be again,

So cherish each moment, live to the fullest, and do not judge anyone on today,

For tomorrow holds a new situation,

Brings in a new perspective,

A new horizon,

A new vision,

Reducing today to

Yesterday

....

On My Way.......

2009-09-05T10:05:00.001-07:00

The days are passing by,
Without a thought, without a dream,
The times seem to stop,
Leaving me unseen.

I am bare, and hollow,
Words are deceiving, feelings wane,
I can’t think, can’t procure,
Half empty, half insane.

I am looked upon as a corpse,
Taken as dead,
On my way, however,
Day by day I tread…..
Day by day I tread……

Perhaps.......

2009-09-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

I had called her up the other day.
She probably was busy somewhere else so there was the ‘no answer’ message announced by the IVR.
But I had my doubts: was she intentionally not taking my call??

We’d not been talking much off late, or maybe we weren’t talking at all. We are both married now, she married a year and a half later than me, and once she tied the knot, it seemed all other knots she’d tied years before were breaking loose.

I chose not to agree.

Why, I’d married earlier than her, and we used to catch up often, at places which we always thought of having coffees once we started earning ; discussing fashion, jewelry , matrimony, relationships, and let loose our deepest fears and thoughts. We spoke of our feelings, without any qualms of being judged. We confided in each other without hesitation. We knew each other so well that we’d instantly know what is going on behind the skin deep smile. Smiles. We could conclude a situation just by studying the other’s smile for a few seconds. We knew which lines on the face got prominent enough when inside there were thoughts concerning love, fear anxiety, irritation, boys, study, family issues, or just plain fun. We knew the different shades, the unpredictable moods, the hidden desires, and the much-hyped tensions. We could talk endlessly for hours, we could bitch, we never felt the need to ‘ask’ the stereotype ‘wats up??’ question. We ‘were’ in those times, ‘the Bestest Friends.’

Aaah!! Lovely times.

But, it sure hurts when I type ‘were’ instead of ‘are’.

Perhaps, I couldn’t hold on to this because of new responsibilities.
Perhaps, I’d been replaced by people who were more easily and more readily available than me.
Perhaps, she’d found a better friend than me in her husband.
Perhaps, things and relationships change after new people enter our lives.
Perhaps a few minutes a week seem impossible to be spared.
Perhaps, I shouldn’t have waited so long for her, instead should have taken the initiative to start it all over again.

All Over Again.

Sounds nice.
But, how do we inculcate the same old feelings, the trusts, the times, and even ‘us’?

Perhaps, its time to realize:
All Is Over.

Perhaps……

I miss you Moti, and I am not even sure if you will read this,,,,,but I know if you will, I will have a call landing on my number.

...

2009-08-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

She knew that things had gone sour between them.
She knew she had reached a break-even point now.
She knew she couldn’t hang onto this relation, this marriage, this man any longer.

She knew, and she well understood this all.

As she decided to pack her bags with the bare minimum of daily necessities, she felt her eyes getting moist. She quickly rubbed her eyes with her hands, something she disliked a lot; even though not even a single tear had left her eyes. She wasn’t going to feel weak this time. No Sir!

She flung all her clothes on the bed, in order to choose what-to-take-and-what- to-leave-behind. Behind. Yes, she would be leaving behind everything concerning her past. Atleast, she thought so.

It was then her sight caught the Pink Sari, it was ‘the’ pink sari because she wore it on her engagement. And, who, other than him, could have gifted her a mystic sequel worked beauty she’d always wanted?

He knew she loved pinks.
And he bought pinks in all forms, shapes, & sizes often.

Again, the moist eyes, the rubbing of eyes, and the insistence of being strong.

Then she had her hands on the white beaded necklace. They had their first pre-martial kiss with this necklace in her neck. Aah! Bliss.
The old cards, with sweet nothings written, the stupid one liners, the shayari, and yes the cute teddy bear.

Something in her made her smile. And all smilingly she put back all her belongings in her closet, rearranging each and every piece of her treasured memories.

The phone rang.

‘Hello?’
‘Honey, I am sorry for the morning…you know I love you…I know I kinda crossed a few limits today, but you know I didn’t mean a word…You know…’

He went on & on.

She cried and never cared to wipe.

as if...

2009-08-26T05:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s close to 2 months since I have joined this place. And, trust me; it is somehow, bit by bit, getting better. Or maybe, I have changed my perception. And, probably, lowered my expectations to bottom levels from unknown people. I have had lunches sitting alone in secluded corners, in an otherwise jam packed canteen, I have come to terms with my Boss not really taking interest in my work, or my potential, I have concluded that since I am better than the lot around me, so people do not really want to talk to me. I have taken into account the fact that being an outsider without many local contacts also labels me with the ‘alien species’ tag.

So, I’d decided to continue this for as long as a new job doesn’t fall into my lap. No, not as if it’s raining jobs, all that so during recession, when half of the country’s growth has crashed due to kharif’s failure and another half is dependent on rabi. Or maybe, it’s vice versa. I mean, I have got contacts, within the industry, and I happen to know big people who would (at least I perceive) be more than willing to hire me since they have been associated with me professionally in the past, and probably can help me realize my potential to the fullest. (Am I talking too much about potential??!!)

In the mean time, I happened to speak to a colleague of mine, about a little something, and he (out of the blue) turned out to be this polite, nice, and friendly sort of a guy, mind you, these three qualities were like non existent in the world of this new company. Initially, when he greeted me, or generally got into a conversation with me, I used to be somewhat cynical, as whether he has some selfish interests with something concerning me? He’d been kind to ask me for lunch with his pals a few times, sometimes he would ask me if I’d wanted to grab a coffee between schedules, and meanwhile, I’d concluded that he is a genuine person, someone who I could talk to, bitch about colleagues and our bosses, (believe me, he started it all), and laugh away the daily work tensions.

Another good thing: one of my ex colleague and a great friend also joined in another department!!

So now I had company for lunch, there were a few people who smiled at me, another few who liked my work and yet a big lot who took me as superfluous, undesirable competition. A few eyebrows go up when I go past them, a few whispers fade away when I smile at the whisperers, a few rumors are dying away, and others are taking shape.

My bosses sometimes are happy with my work, sometimes discard the most innovative ideas, they like to be nodded every time they open their mouth, and take pleasure in telling me that I am somehow lacking the ‘spark’. If only they knew that the day I shall open my mouth, they’ll be surrounded by fires.

I know, I know, it’s the corporate world after all!! And I have understood a little. I am in a big city, surrounded by big people, with big apprehensions, big egos, and even bigger insecurities. Each and every new thing in the vicinity is taken as a threat to their existence. Their comfort zones get disturbed, and they like to stick to their regular people. They view outsiders as ‘aliens’ and they make every possible attempt to frustrate ‘aliens’ so much so that the ‘alien’ himself feels so much ‘aliened’ that he ends up leaving the job.

I remember one of my ex-bosses telling me once: ‘Be a shark, this is a world of sharks; big sharks are always eating the small ones….’ And as if being a shark was not enough, he added: ‘…with sharp teeth…’

So life, since a last few days, seems to be somewhat back on track.

A new job, and...

2009-08-18T01:58:00.000-07:00

25th of June 2009.

My first day at a new job, in a new city.

I entered the office some 10 minutes before time; my preference has always been to be before time, in all the 4 years that I have been working. I stole a quick glance at the big three buildings that made up the premises of my new workplace. It sure was huge, and since I come from a small town Shimla, it had me somehow fascinated.

As I drew closer to the reception gate, I got somewhat nervous; I belong to the slightly introvert family of people, I don’t really like to mingle with people first and then realize that they are not “My Types”, and consequently get to thinking of ways to avoid them. I take my own sweet time, observe people around me, and then choose the best possible option(s) amongst the lot. This leaves me alone, secluded and isolated in new places for some good period of time. Though I have told myself many times that it will not harm me in anyway to be friends with everyone, something in me, however, always pulls me back.

As such, I greeted the young girl at the reception, and told her that it was my joining today. She flashed me a smile, which was dry in some way, and told me to go to the HR department on the second floor. ‘Please don’t enter any cabins other than HR’, she said in a warning tone.
Warned me. Gosh!

As I climbed up the stairs, I realized that the stairs ended on the first floor, and then there were three huge sections of halls. I looked towards my right, and then left, and straight, and somehow figured I should go straight. I did, only to find out that amongst a hundred odd people sitting there nobody would really bother if I am unable to find someone I need to meet in an office. I asked altogether 3 of my prospective colleagues, who, without lifting either their eyes off the monitor or their hands off the keyboards told me ‘HR is on the second floor’.
Aww. As if I didn’t know this.

‘What I am asking is the way’, I retorted to one of them.

‘Second floor Ma’am.’

I then decided to go back to the reception and called up the HR Head, and told him that I am unable to find the way to his cabin, and that if he could send an office boy to take me through to him, it would be great help.

So, finally I had a blue shirt dressed office boy escorting me to the HR.

And, at last I found myself filling in the joining docket. There were no Hi’s or Hello’s, no one even bothered that a new joinee has come, and I struggled all alone through the confusing clauses of the docket.
I knew now that nobody is welcome here.

Nobody is bothered.

This was one situation of awkwardness I had never found myself in. Prior to this job, I have worked with 2 MNCs, same industry. I wouldn’t say I was all that welcome, owing to a little out-of-place face, but yes, people greeted a new comer warmly, and at least were happy to help with routine works, and general inquisitive questions. I cannot remember a single incident where I might have seen a new joinee so uncomfortable with things happening around him, as I was. I looked at almost everyone sitting on the floor, hoping that at least one person would show a little concern, without any success.
Now, after some two hours, the HR head, along with an assistant, congratulated me on joining, and told the assistant to show me around and finally lead me to the AVP’s cabin whom I were to report. He led me, at his own pace, without giving me much time even to look around. Anyways, after a small introduction, my Boss started showing the launch status, the preliminary planning details, and the innumerable presentations. Now that it was Lunch Time, though I presume he must have been hungry so as to declare that ‘since its time for lunch, you must have it’ kind of thing.

Somehow, actually somehow, I managed to control my irritability over all the things, stupid and unnecessary around me. I knew that once I blow off the lid, I’d not be stopped easily, and I didn’t want to create a scene on the first day at work. I was told to ‘spend time’ with a counterpart handling the same profile on another product, so as to make myself aware of the processes and businesses here. Now, (this is not out of pure frustration), this colleague of mine, had an irritating touch to his tone, voice, looks, in addition to his irritating behavior, and asking lengthy questions was another thing that he had to his credit. I was pissed off, for obvious reasons, and it seemed like as if this was another interview round in this ‘esteemed organization.’ My woes did not end here, as my being an AM in four years was taken in ‘derogatory’ terms with this fellow, since after 8 years of slugging in the same organization he had just been promoted to the same level a week ago. Now, what I wanted to ask this ‘snailish’ fellow was, ‘Is it my fault that you haven’t grown all these years?’. For obvious reasons, I didn’t get to ask.
So, with a lot of reservations, apprehensions, tensions, and suspicions, I passed the rest of the day in utter confusion, with no one, believe me, no one telling me anything about anything, just sitting beside the snailish colleague of mine, watching him doing silly things, and avoiding his silly questions, and trying not to be frustrated, or more aptly, discouraged with the current set of events happening around and with me. Ahh!!
Sharp 6:15 p.m. and already some 50% of the people had packed up for the day. And, since, practically, there was nothing to do, actually nothing to do, i picked up my bag, and out of sheer protocol said Bye to the Snail.
Second day is another story.

Bondings....

2009-05-14T04:15:00.000-07:00

He lay on the bed. With needles and pipes coming out and going in at many points in his body, he looked weak, and somewhat in pain. She noticed he’d been staring at her, as she passed his bed, or made tea, or arranged his bed. She wondered why wasn’t he talking today. After all, she was the only one whom he was speaking to since the last few days. He would hold her hand, kiss her fingers, and with tears in his eyes say something she wouldn’t quite understand. But she understood one thing for sure: Her Dad was in great pain.

Last week, when the doctors put him on oxygen cylinders for the first time, she trembled with fear, a degree of apprehension kept her anxious, and she tried to visualize all the heroes-on-oxygen-scenes from the movies. Why, she had just turned 15 a few days ago, when her father gifted her a new dress, though expensive by the current standards. But, then, standards were not like this a few years ago, when her father’s business was doing good, and she was taught that she would get all the good things in her life if she would be a “good” daughter. Somebody called her Mom to another room, and after a few minutes, when all the see-we-are-here-in-your-bad-times relatives went out for a break, she was again alone with her Dad.

He lay peacefully, with his eyes closed. She felt his breath, and smiled to herself. He’d gone real thin, his fingers looked fragile; his face dull, with lines making graphs everywhere. His hairline was receding fast, and his neck showed loose skin. She touched him on his head, arms, hands, and neck. As if to make sure that the touch stays forever. She spent hours like this, sitting by his bed, pouring juice in the glass when he would need it, sometimes talking to him about family, friends who were here, what she learnt at school, and how her algebra problems were growing in numbers since he’d been here. It was the same everyday. Almost everyday.

After 3 days, when he was shifted to another room, she noticed he had not been talking to her much. His subject shifted from her to the family. He often said to her, ‘Darling, all my life I have brought you up as a son; promise me, promise me that if I go to the other world, you would take care of the family. Just as a SON.’

She promised

Another 2 days passed..

On the fateful day, as she held out his medicines to him, before leaving the hospital for the night, he refused to take them. In confusion, she called out for her Mom, who came in with a relative or two. All of them persuaded him to take the medicine, and he let out a huge cry. She dropped the glass of water; he hit her, and yelled at her to leave. She cried aloud. He cried aloud. The Mother cried aloud. And the relatives left the family in the room.

‘Tell her to go’.
‘But…wh..what did I do, Dad’.
‘Nothing. But can’t you leave?’
‘Sure, after you have this dose, I will go, as I have been all this week.’
‘No. Enough.’ Another glass crashed on the floor.
She ran down the stairs. Tears still flowing. Confusion over his behavior still prevailing. She went home and took a bath. She was upset over her father today. She was hurt. The crashing sounds of the glasses were still ringing in her ears. After she’d cried enough, she decided to watch her favorite show, The Tom and Jerry show, at 7 in the evening.

The doorbell rang.

Her mother on the door, alongwith a few other relatives.

Mom? At home? This time?

But she stayed at the hospital with her Dad.

She handed out a small piece of a tissue paper.

‘Darling, I couldn’t go till you were in front of my eyes.
I love you more than words can explain.
When you will grow up, you will understand how difficult it was for me to shout at you.
But it was the call from God.

Keep the promise, my Son.’

Some bondings are difficult to explain.

Light

2009-05-07T01:24:00.000-07:00

The night has a thousand eyes,
And the day but one,
Yet the light of the bright world dies,
With the dying sun….

The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one,
Yet the light of the bright world dies,
With the dying sun……

F.N. Bourdillons

On Words and Silence

2009-04-22T02:05:00.000-07:00

The title and the idea have been borrowed from Arv; from one his his oldest posts, ofcourse, without his intimation.
(Hope he doesn't mind (;!!)

Her eyes said,
A thousand words,
A feeling called ‘Love’,
Bloomed in their hearts…

He never mentioned his love,
He didn’t say a word,
It turned off a thousand sparks,
Enlightened in her heart…

Gaming in love.....(Second part)

2009-04-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

So as was destined, they crossed ways, after three long years, in a shopping mall. She heard a familiar voice, demanding blue color in a stylish shirt. More so, when a couple of voices said that black is definitely suiting him better, and that he has loads of blues in his closet. ‘No, blue and only blue’, she heard. She knew someone in her life had a fetish for blue. Someone she knew long ago. Someone perhaps, was this stranger. She turned back, but all she could see were men in various shapes and sizes. She fished out her credit card and told her sister to settle accounts. She walked up to the Men’s counter, and she heard someone laughing at something.
She froze when she saw someone with a blue shirt in his hands, and a giggle on his face.
Someone she had so well known, so deeply loved.
He dropped the shirt when their eyes met. Eyes, which had conveyed so many untold words to her. His eyes, which shone with her love, sure looked blank for a moment. The world stopped. Heartbeats ceased. And they stared, unblinkingly. Nothing in the world lasts, not even this moment of eternal joy.
‘Hey, wassup?’, someone chirped. And they blinked their eyes.

‘Go for the black one’, she heard herself speak. Wo, was it really she?
The salesman was told to pack the black shirt. His friends stared.
Her mobile buzzed.

‘Yeah, a minute. Get in the car’.

He understood she was with someone. He wondered whether he should ask her for coffee. What if she was with her husband? He sank up and down in the sea of thoughts that seemed to engulf him all of a sudden. Sixty seconds and sixty thousand thoughts. Wow.

‘How come you are here, last I heard that you were in Delhi’.
She knew?
I always knew about you, idiot.
‘Aah, yeah got a business conference here, and I am a member.’
So, he’s doing well.
‘You are still crazy for blue?’
‘Somethings last forever.’
And you, did you change?
Yes, can’t you see that I am carrying a MangalSutra in my neck.
Oh, and till when are you here?
As long as you want me to, no idiot, ‘umm,,a week I guess.’
He was to leave in two days.
She still is the most beaitiful woman on this planet.
She caught on the blue band on you wrist.
'It's worn out now, change it.'
‘Good, can we catch up for coffee?’, she said, pointing to the Barista just opposite the Mall.
Did she just invite him?
They never realized they had reached the parking.
‘Di, get in.’
‘Tomorrow at 5.’
‘See you.’
‘Yeah, bye.’

The black Honda City rode past him. She seemed to be rich now. But he didn’t see the usual twinkle in her eyes, which indicated her happiness. Instead, he saw a deep, dark vacuum. He wondered why did he lie to her about being in town till a week?
Did he still have feelings for her?

After 3 years since she last called him? To end all that was his life? He curled his eyebrows, told his friends that he will catch up with them later. He needed to get back to his hotel.

She cooked the best dinner that night. Her husband was astonished; there was a strange spark in her eyes, an eccentric glow on her face. On his being curious, she just told him it was nothing.

He knew her well enough to conclude there was definitely something. But decided to keep mum. It was after a long time she radiated light like this, he had fallen in love with this radiance; he wanted it to be their forever.

Not surprisingly, they met the following day at the Barista. From pleasantries, the conversations shifted to their lives, lives that were empty. She soon broke into tears; he into silence. She accused him; blamed him for what her life had become. He simply stared at his third cup of coffee. He had no explanations. He never had. He caught himself staring at a big diamond ring shining on her ring finger. She had it.
For rest of the week, they met daily. Their smiles lit up the moment they saw each other. The frequent seeing resulted in rekindling their feelings once again. As if they had elapsed.
By the end of the week, they had concluded that they need to be together. There is, but just one life. They are both earning, they can easily survive even if the families turned against them. The only hassle was her divorce. Divorce, which she was sure her husband wouldn’t agree to. Divorce, that meant he could once again be given the chance to complete the last leg of their journey. She decided she would talk to him soon; and in case he didn’t agree, she would file the papers herself and leave him.
As if life is so easy!
Once he went back, they started talking over the phones again. Twice a day. Six times a day. Then they lost count. By this time both of them were sure they are going to be together soon. But , did she really have all the courage? She told him to wait till her sister settles down. ‘Just five to six months. Talks are on,’ she’d tell him. He was ready to wait forever.
But then, Life had never been all that simple for her.
‘Hello..? Is that ..(name)..?’
‘Yeah. Who’s this?’
This is Nayana, (his name) girlfriend.
She’s stunned.
‘See, I just called to tell you that you stop calling him from now onwards…its been long since you have been married…why the hell you can’t be happy with your husband? You have already been your worst with him. Can you just leave him alone so that he can concentrate on people who really love him…blah blah blah…..’
The caller went on and on. She could hardly hear what she said beyond these lines. Though she understood that her character was being assassinated. Could he really be deceiving her all these months?
The easiest thing to do at such times: BREAK INTO TEARS!!
She disconnected the call, got into the shower. As the water droplets speckled on her bare skin, she let out a huge, loud cry. Cries wash off the effects of even the deepest of wounds.

She knew he couldn’t do it. She knew he was worried about her family, and her husband; who, for no sin of his, was leading a lonely life inspite of having a wife.
She at once understood he had planned this. She didn’t call him back. No, not because she wanted to change his decision, but because she wanted him to remain firm. She never had the courage to say no, how least she wanted the events in her life to happen. She could not deceive her husband, however he was, whatever he did. She cannot be happy; she knew, but she couldn’t bear the guilt either.

And this time, she was happy that he had called the shots. Now she could, perhaps , mark a new beginning , without any guilt. ‘Finally, he’s realized I am not worth him', she thought with satisfaction, 'I never was’.

She came out of the washroom, her eyes still shone somehow,(though not out of love), and she got into the kitchen to cook her husband’s favorite dishes.

This time, she wanted no explanations, she knew what and why life had taken this turn.

He knew he’d lost her forever now. He loved her, how could he be happy to see her disturbed over her family? Family that meant the world for her? He knew she would be guilty all her life if she left her husband like that. He thanked Nayana for calling her.

‘By now, she must have begun hating me’, he thought to himself with all his love for her.
‘By now, he must have begun hating me’, she thought to herself with all her love for him.

Games…..!!

Gaming in Love.....(Story)

2009-04-21T02:09:00.000-07:00

‘Do u think u will be happy with him?’, he asked, as if to be sure, for the last time.

‘I don’t know about that, but are you going to do something this time or just let me go? What are you scared of? Come on, be a man.’ She tried hard, hard to make him understand the gravity of the situation she was in; more aptly, situation that she had created; unknowingly, unrightfully.

‘But we cant…how…I mean how are we going to live….there..i…you…’,he stammered.

‘Fine then, I am going to marry him. Marry him, and you sulk sitting there for the rest of your life. I have decided.’

He knew this tone. Knew it very well. He knew once she dismissed all arguments, she wouldn’t let anyone speak. He knew this was the end.

She waited for him to say something. ‘I know you love me, say it, say that you are not going to let this happen’, she said to herself, pleading Gods that he repeats her, word by word.

He didn’t say anything. She slammed the phone down harshly. He held it till tears flowed down his eyes. She stood firm for a second. Then collapsed on the couch just inches away from her.

It all started with a little game that she often liked to play whenever she wanted to test him. Test. Perhaps because it had been six long years that they had been away from each other in the physical sense; though they registered their presence in each others heart. He used to fly down to India, once a year; just to see her, to have a glimpse of the woman in life he so loved; to touch her being with his eyes; to feel her warmth with his lips. She knew it. And she loved the way he would plant a kiss here, touch her there; she missed his fingers in her hair, the passion in his eyes. She loved being in love with her boyfriend of eight years. They had traveled long- from being school mates, to friends, from friends to lovers, lovers to soulmates…but the last stretch of journey seemed to be missing. No, it wasn’t fate that had them apart, it was her. And - she knew it.

She would play these little games with him once he opted for a PG course in engineering in the US.’ Don’t go’, she’d say. ‘Its already been long since we had good times. Its been 4 long years without getting to see you often. Maybe you can try for it in a year or two?’

‘But, love, think of all the good things that I shall be able to provide for you if I become a specialist? You have always wanted that big diamond ring , I want to be able to buy it for you with my own money. And, trust me, another two years, and I would come back, talk to your mom, and…….’

Sometimes, words aren’t required.

Sure, he went. Sure, he will come back, she thought to herself many times. And then, this is the age of computers. They were in touch. They still talked for hours. She took to work after college, life got boring, people came up with new proposals for marrying her, and then, the idea struck.

She told him that a smart, handsome doctor had approached her with a proposal. He knew she was beautiful beyond words, and he knew she belonged to him. He didn’t react much. He knew she could handle this. She sent him pictures, he commented ‘Good’. She wanted him to say something, beg her to stay. He trusted nothing was in their way.

Her mother was happy. Very happy that her eldest daughter had been approached by the most eligible bachelor in the small town. How come she wasn’t aware that she’d been seeing somebody? She never hid. Probably, her mother never asked.

She decided to wait. Deep somewhere, she assured herself that he would be back and then she would disclose her desire to marry the only man she’d ever loved in her life.

The doctor, however, genuinely liked her.He was good looking, intelligent, from a good, decent family, and he earned well. Didn’t smoke or drink. Perfect marriage material, it seemed. She played with him. He fell in love.

Her mother finally announced that they would be engaged. At her surprise birthday party. The party had definitely taken her by surprise.

And he had surprised her by not coming this time.

Now that she lay on the couch, she couldn’t believe what a mess she’d made. Thoughts failed her, and the ever-ready-idea-strucker voice in her brain betrayed her.

He didn’t call back. She concluded he never loved her. The dates were announced, and shopping sprees were in full swing. She’d not seen her mother happier since her father died 15 years ago. This made her smile. Atleast someone is happy about all this. She loved her mother dearly, and so couldn’t muster up enough courage to tell her the truth that what started as a game, is making her loose herself. She couldn’t embarrass her, in front of all the in-good-times-we-show-up, in-bad-times-we-disappear relatives. For, it is entirely true, marriages in India don’t happen between individuals, but between families. And when it came to her family, it meant the world for her. She stood in front of her father’s garlanded picture, and she knew she couldn’t.

She’d not seen herself so lost in the last 25 years.

She was surprised to note that none of her friends, friends who knew of her being involved, questioned her decision. Decision to get married to a man she barely knew two months ago. ‘Maybe, Gods have willed this’, she comforted herself.

And, tied the knot. ‘Move on’, she said to herself.
He took to drinking. He took drugs. He wandered. He lost himself. And he wanted to remain lost. He refused to move on.

They relocated to another location owing to good career opportunities the big cities provided. Sure enough, both of them got to good jobs. And got busy.

Soon, she adapted to all the innate qualities that good wives must possess. She wasn’t a virgin anymore, but she hadn’t made love. She was working at middle level management at a MNC, a good amount got credited to her account each month, and she fascinated all around her with her charisma and jolly nature. She was appreciated for her work, and soon gained the respect of her colleagues. She was straight forward in her approach, and people knew when she meant business. She still wore the same ‘Attitude’ she so dearly loved. She was her natural self when her husband was not around. And she loved it.

Being at home, it was a different story. She acted like a timid, stupid, foolish woman who could do no more than cook, wash and clean. How she survives in office, her husband often thought. They barely talked of things other than work and home. She was interrupted everytime she opened her mouth, he was never open to suggestions. Her initial attempts to win his heart failed miserably, his arrogant nature never let her be herself, and this further perturbed her. He was frustrated with the marriage and chose to ignore her; she never complained. Her life changed, and days passed…

Only one thing didn’t change. Her love for him. The feeling that she had betrayed him. Many times, she thought of running away from her failing marriage. However, she stuck on. Family sakes!! She knew she wasn’t happy. Soon enough, others also began acknowledging the missing factor. Questions were raised, to which she had no answers. Deep in her heart, she constantly prayed for the times to rewind her life. She prayed to be with the man she’d only loved all her life. She couldn’t congregate enough courage to contact him. She kept a track as to where he was, through a few common friends, but strictly told them not to disclose him her whereabouts. Games!

Little did she know that fate had already planned that one fine day, they will cross ways. One fine day, she will get to see him again. Much against her wishes. Much in line with her desires.
To be continued….

Just another Day....

2009-04-19T01:26:00.000-07:00

Today – is yet another day,
A new sunrise,
A new horizon,
A new thrill,
A new vision.

But,,,,
Is all that nice as it sounds?
Is all well as it seems?
Is really there a new thrill, as they say?
Is there something as a new day?

The answers are startling,,,

There aren’t new sunrises, but the same sun rises time and again.

There are no new horizons, just the gap between you, happiness, and dreams widens.

There are no new thrills, but only new unwanted challenges.

There are no new visions, just old thoughts redefined.

For today is,
Just
Another day!!

My Moment of Despair...

2009-04-19T01:16:00.001-07:00

I begin with a sigh,
Then slowly, break into a cry,
I try to conceal,
I try to hide,
But deep within I know,
This is another moment of despair.

When I try to feel free,
When I want to be ‘ME’,
I fail to understand how it disturbs others,
But I can still see things changing, people switching sides,
But deep within I realize,
This is another moment of despair.

I try to find a shoulder,
Just in hope of overcoming boulders,
Alas!! Not an arm spare,
Not a word of sympathy,
Just rude glares,
And question marks on my dignity,
Warm droplets run through my eyes,
Because deep within I know
This is MY moment of Despair….

The Beads and the Threads.....

2009-04-19T01:07:00.001-07:00

My life is like a thread,
Holding together different beads,
The thread is made of feelings,
And decides on how the beads are going to cling.

Some are vibrant, and sharp.
Some seem exceptionally pretty,
Some I have lost already lost,
Some will cease to be with me.

The beads and the thread,
Make my life what it is,
Whether scorching suns will shine on me,
Or I will have the pleasures of a cool breeze.

There are wars of aggression,
Or sometimes, plain confusion,
There are moments of passion,
Or severe criticism.

Each thought, each act,
Unfolds a new chapter in my life,
A new beginning, or an old end,
A daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife.

Some chapters are long, others shorter,
Some tragic, others of love,
But are engraved in my heart,
The chapters and various stages.

The beads are the puppets,
The thread, binding scripts,
Somebody directs, maybe circumstances,
And I do the lipsings.

And trust me,
For I very well know,
That I am nothing more then,
Another bead, in another thread…..

His Eyes Held Me........

2009-04-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

I looked up to meet his eyes..his eyes. The eyes that always said he cared. He loved. The eyes that showed affection to the extent that they made me believe I was ‘safe’, ‘safe’ from the callous world outside that had always wanted me to dice into pieces, ‘safe’ from all the things that I believed shouldn’t happen to me, ‘safe’ from all the misdeeds, and misgivings, the world had to offer. But no, his eyes didn’t show me all this, not even for a second. No, these couldn’t be his eyes. There was rage, fiery in its way; there was fire, burning me deep inside; and there was apprehension, of perhaps, how I would react. React?? I didn’t really know how to!! The only thing I knew was that I had failed him somehow, disappointed him at some point, and that I had, for once, made him change the color of his eyes. I tried to speak, but his eyes held me. Tears came flowing down my cheek; his eyes didn’t seem to notice. I tried to touch him, for I always believed that touch had the power that words could never transmit. I tried hard to raise my hand, but his eyes held me. I wanted to comfort him, feel his hair, a soft kiss there; I wished he would comfort me, take me in his arms, whisper something in my ears. Instead, he violently budged me, as if he wanted me to open my eyes. He shouted, and I whispered; ‘I am right here, right here beside you’. He didn’t notice. He hugged my corpse, and let his tears find the way through my dead hair to my face and lips. Again, the color of his eyes changed. They now showed pain, anguish, sorrow and emptiness. Emptiness, because my being had made him complete; and now that I was no more he was empty.

He couldn’t save me. And I failed him by submitting to death.

Gods came upto me, and told me to ensue, but, his eyes; his eyes held me.

Murder,,,,even before she was Born...

2009-04-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

Murder..

I was a free spirit,
Pure, virtuous and pious,
Until I learnt about this world,
With racial discrimination and gender bias.

I asked God, why Earth?
HE said I must live a life now,
That will make me realize the profundity
Of Life and Death.

I laughed at the verdict,
And told him I would pass the ‘sentence’ laughing at all,
He then sent me to a womb,
As a FEMALE.

I could feel the happiness in my Mom’s laughter,
My father sounded a little concerned,
My mom assured it was a boy,
I knew I was shunned.

Days passed, then weeks,
My father was readying my mom for the test,
I wondered if they would be happy,
That I am not a boy, but the best.

The reports came,
Alas! It hid nothing,
Its a girl,
Hello, I was your first child, above anything

While I was worrying inside,
I heard they were planning to kill
There were numerous options,
A small operation or a pill.

I heard my Mom cry again and again,
I shivered inside, and dreaded what would happen,
I couldn’t smile, nor laugh my way to death,
In the first instant, my spirits were dampened.

I prayed to God, to let me live,
I pleaded to my father,
No one possibly heard me,
For no one bothered.

A day later, preparations were on,
And my fate decided,
I closed my eyes, and
To heavens I floated……

I was welcomed like an Angel,
But not a twinkle in my eye,
Before I could ever live,
I had to die.

I wanted to ask my father,
How he had married my mom,
If her father had killed her,
Who would have given him a son?

I wished to ask my Mom,
Why she couldn’t fight for me,
How did she let her child murdered?
And still wanted to be called a ‘Mother’….

Changing Equations,.,.,

2009-04-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

No, this isn’t about maths, but about a more complex subject: Relationships. It’s astounding to discover that the word itself is so much multifaceted, complicated and baffling that at a moment when one thinks he’s got it, he fails miserably in managing it. It goes simple. My best friends, since school, turned a bit stranger while I got into twenties, and by the time I got married, I felt they don’t know me at all. We talk often, say about once in a week or so, but the talks are limited to daily routine or a major problem that one of us might be facing. I was the first one amongst the three of us to get a job, to fall in love, be engaged and then to get married. Now that the two of us have got married, are working, and have taken to new responsibilities, the bond somehow seems to be growing weak. We don’t call each other often, sometimes we don’t even feel like dialing the numbers, and we don’t share much anymore. My best friends of 8 years, people without whom it was difficult to imagine life, bonds that seemed stronger than anything, are not sweet anymore, if not sour. Equations have changed. New people new responsibilities and possibly new friends. Derivatives are still the same, at the end of the day; I have managed to crib about almost everything that isn’t happening as I would want it to, in my life. The people have changed, times have changed, so have I.

This change is true of almost any possible relation one can think of. We are mostly drawn to each other not because of similar problems, or tastes, but because all our life we want to hold on someone who can sympathize with us on how much hardships we are facing in our lives. We share, not because we want to, but because we totally depend on others to tell us whether we are right, or wrong, whether we should or we shouldn’t, whether we can or we cannot; the list could be endless. Think about your Mom, about the times you thought she was the closest to you, to the times you came to a conclusion that she simply doesn’t understand. Or maybe your brothers, sisters, cousins, or even people you fell in love with. Once I passed out of college, and got to work, I realized that I shared, or cribbed, or asked from advice from a few colleagues whom I happened to like because of some or other quality that I didn’t possess. At a moment when I would gain a closeness factor with one of them, I would pour my heart, like they would. This would refresh me, rejuvenate me, and instill in me a new ‘ME’. Now that I have relocated to a new place, I would soon need new people to decide on new equations.

And then I say, I am still in touch with the best people I came across in my life. In touch, just touching their lives from a far off corner, as my equations have now changed.

Truth certainly sounds bitter!!

Smitten,,,

2009-04-12T00:29:00.000-07:00

LOVE

A feeling of passion,
A sudden craze,
An emotion full of emotions,
An unsolved maze.

A feeling of being possessed,
A person’s real image,
The destination of HEART,
Unknown and Away.

A place of imagination, The Country of LOVE,
Where one gets solace,
Love is the ruler here,
Happiness guards one,
Enemy is the world,
Loneliness- The COMPANION.

No tensions, no worries,
No time to have sweets or curries,
One name dearer then GOD,
No hassles, no hurries,

Long lasting, life time love,
Is more than the heaven’s above,
True Love purifies the Soul
And inculcates innocence as a Dove.

So Friends, Love is Life,
And We LIVE to LOVE,
Spread Love like a Virus,
Till the skies above!!

Missing a Friend,,,,

2009-04-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

Friendship is something,
I can’t express in words to you,
All I can say is that,
I found the best in you.

It is a blessing,
To have a friend like you,
‘Coz life would have been dull,
If it was without you.

You instill strength in me,
I sometimes hurt you,
But u stood like a rock with me,
In times dim blue.

I blurt my frustrations on you,
For all wrongs in life, blamed you,
You still loved me unconditionally,
And stuck to me as if with a glue.

Never could I thank you enough,
Never can I forget you,
Never will this life be same,
As it was with you.

Though you are very far,
And I miss you so much,
Just remember you are a person,
Whom I love very much!!

Beat the Heat with Cool Tips!

2009-04-12T00:07:00.000-07:00

Now that summers are here to stay, it becomes necessary to rework on one’s daily routine to avoid the common problems like sun burns, tanning, loss of appetite, perspiration etc. Following are a few remedies to reduce the effect of these concerns:

-: While going out: Make sure that you apply a good coat of Sun Screen on all exposed parts of the body like the face, neck, hands, arms etc. Various brands are available in the market, with numerous options for different types of skins. Make sure that you choose one with as much SPF as your skin’s requirement. If possible, try not to expose yourself to the harmful rays of the sun, instead cover your arms and neck. Carry an umbrella and use a good pair of sunglasses.

-: Increase water intake: During summers, the body looses a lot of water in the form of sweat so it becomes imperative to increase the intake of fluids to avoid dehydration. Cool juices, shakes, Jaljeera, and the good old nimbu pani (lemonade) are great heat relievers. As much as possible, carry your share of water with you incase you are going out.

-: Appetite issues: Loss of appetite is mainly caused because of dehydration. Nimbu pani is an excellent appetizer. Or one can supplement meals with spicy pickles, curds, salads, chutneys etc. All these supplements make the routine daal-sabzi all the more appealing. Avoid fried and oily foods. Instead relish light food items that are good for the stomach.

-: Skin Care: Our face has no escape from the sun. Excessive exposure to the sun can cause sun burns, loss of glow, tanning etc. Sunburns can be beaten by simply applying yoghurt on the face and washing it off after 20 minutes. Applying tomato and cucumber juice also helps. You can refresh your tired skin by using cucumber juice and rosewater. This mixture can be stored in spray bottles for a week in the refrigerator.

-: Sweating & body odor: This is again a very common problem. Incase use of deodorants is not really helping, here’s a natural deo remedy: Take a few bay leaves and soak them in a mug of water overnight. Strain the water and mix a teaspoon of black cardamom powder and two teaspoons of fuller’s earth or multani mitti and your body pack is ready. Apply this body pack to avoid excessive sweating. An easier option would be to make a body pack using fuller’s earth and rose water.

-: Prickly heat: Prepare a solution comprising of neem, tulsi, coriander and raw turmeric. Apply it on the affected areas before a bath. You will get rid of scratching in minutes.

-: Dress Right: Nylon and synthetic clothing stick to body and do not allow body to breathe. So its time to put away all your nylons and synthetics and opt for loose fitting cotton or khadi fabrics that allows body to breathe and evaporates perspiration.

-: A Cool Mind: Well, keeping a cool head surely helps you and others around. Remember mercury rising doest mean you temperature should also rise. Beat the heat with cool juices, and a cool head!!

Hope this helps!

Hi Bloggers!!

2009-04-11T23:56:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

I have just joined Blogspot and I am really happy about it. I had been writing while in school and college and once I got into the rat race for money, I was left with no time to even read. I am glad that I have now found a something where I can atleast pen down my views and share others. I believe that there is a DIVINE force that I must convey my Thanks to and pray to it to be with me, forever and for always. As we all know, we remember GOD mostly when we are in times of need, of despair, and when we have no one or nothing to look upto, there's just one word that we chatter,,,GOD..of course, I m no exception to this selfish sounding statement. Infact, I have always prayed more n more whenever I hit the bottom in life. However, I have written a few lines, not praising GOD, for its not possible in languages that humans know (pst. I know just 3), not thanking him either, (come on!! for how many things will I thank HIM!!) and neither for all the wonderful things HE created. As I said earlier, I am selfish, like everyone possibly is, and through the lines that follow, I just want to let HIM know when I need HIM the most...

My God, I NEED You....

When my heart bleeds

In sadness, in despair,

When my tears flow,

And nothing seems clear,

When it pains hard inside,

But,,,I do smile,

When I am lost,

In dark clouds for a while,

When I am lonely,

Dwindling in troubles much,

When I am feeling sad,

And all my dreams crunch,

When IT hurts me,

But,,I can't say,

When nothing belongs to me,

And nowhere is gay,

When it’s just "HELL",

And I feel betrayed,

When I wish to cry, but not a shoulder spare,

When its hard,

But,,I can't complain,

When its just FATE,

Destined for ME,

When I dismiss myself,

And begin loosing ME,

IS WHEN I NEED U THE MOST MY GOD,

And I am glad, U have ALWAYS been there...

Lucky ME!!